With a heavy heart I’m leaving, as I don’t know whether in spirit you would be following me or maybe you’re somehow attached to a place here in the physical…
As if to deepen my concerns, there were no signs from you on the first days of being away, and although I was enjoying the mountainous views, the sound of the waves unfurling onto the grainy shore and the magical sunsets, deep down I was waiting and vigilant.
And then one day I looked up at the sky and knew you were there.
This was also confirmed next morning during my early sun salutation yoga.
As I was stretching myself and meditating in my favourite Surya Namaskar postures with the beautiful views in front of me, a gorgeous grey horse appeared. It drank some water from the lake and then approached me and smooched me right under my heart. This was magical, breathtaking…and ooh, Shiny!
I had never before been kissed by a horse, even though I used to take some horse-riding sessions, and I would stroke them occasionally but they would never get this intimate with me.
I appreciate the energy you put into showing up to me in this world and am looking forward to an eternity of this ethereal presence until I too become it.
One of the first things I decided for myself early in the days when my grief was very fresh and when I set myself the intention of finding my way to my twinflame, was not ever, not for all the ayahuasca in Peru! to go and see mediums or channellers. Not that I don’t believe that some are really able to make the connection [otherwise I wouldn’t aim to train myself as one] but just because I would never be absolutely sure that it was him. And then, direct interaction was what I was after.
I’m not sure which the determining factor was – was it the long time it was taking me to connect to my twin and the slow progress with the spiritual practice, or was it the temptation that I couldn’t fight when the opportunity arose – but I broke my promise. And I am having mixed feelings as a result now.
I wasn’t looking for any readings specifically, because my mind was fully occupied with the meditation practice, lucid dreaming and astral projection, energy work etc. However, when I got the recommendation to contact a lady who had a similar journey to mine and had proved to be quite accurate in her readings as a result of a near-death experience, the worm made its nest in my mind and I was already making up the excuses.
And so I arranged for a reading. There was quite a waiting list and I had to wait for a month. During this month I would imagine this talk for many times working out all the possible scenarios, trying not to be too optimistic about it, and still this was a terrible distraction to everything I was after and I was really hopeful to get a strong validation of his presence in that reading.
It was my first reading ever, I never knew what to expect and perhaps this was one of the reasons for the slight disappointment with the accuracy of the communication. The medium was a bit off quite often, but also on spot for about 70% of the time.
Prior to the talk I asked my twin to pass on to me through the medium some messages, that would leave me assured:
For some time I’ve been feeling very low about him not having left an offspring, a son or a daughter, who would be a piece of his physical existence in this life. I must admit that I even had a crazy thought, that if there were a DNA bank with his material, I would probably have gone and done an AI. And once I had a visitation dream, where he was sending me messages on Facebook and among the other stuff there was a postcard of me and him and a boy of about 6 or 7 who was his son…or maybe our son…
Anyways, the first thing I wanted him to validate through the medium, was something related to this boy.
The second thing I asked was that he shared one of the many signs or dreams of him that I’ve experienced during this year and half, so that I could be sure that those really were signs, rather than me going nuts and that it was him in my dreams and not solely my mind’s construct.
The third thing I wanted to get as a validation was our secret number.
And ultimately, I wanted him to reassure me that we indeed were twinflames and that this wasn’t something I made up (I do have this critical thinking spurts occasionally).
The medium first warned me that it looked like this was the first time for my boy to be channelled too and so he might not be very skilled at passing on the messages to her. I’m not sure how this works, probably through symbols and telepathic thought exchange, but maybe there’s some truth to it…
Well, she knew it was the spirit of a male at once, but this didn’t impress me much, because there were only two options to choose from anyways.
The first thing she said that she sees something related to fatherhood and protection. She suggested the spirit could be my father’s, but I told her this wasn’t the case. She still would insist that the message she was getting was related to children, so she asked if we had common children with the man, to which I said no…but intuitively I was already linking this discussion to the first validation on my list…
She then told me the accurate age, saying he was in his thirties when he passed on and she also told me the reason of the death and that it was unexpected. She said he was a victim of bad addictions (indeed he died of drug overdose) and that this was making me very mad. Yes yes and yes! I always was very mad at him for taking the damned drugs.
She then told me that she sees tears in the bathroom. Well, yes, I do sometimes cry in the bathroom, I guess all of us do sometimes and I’m sure those who grieve loved one’s loss do this even more often. But the thing that came to my mind was the one case when I saw his face imprinted on the bathroom curtain and there was a drop of water rolling down the part of the curtain where his right eye would have been, and it was so much like a tear… So this could well have been the number 2 on my list.
She also said that he came to my dreams often. That is of course true, but again, who doesn’t dream of their deceased loved ones…She said that he wanted me to know it was him indeed in those dreams. Number 2 again…
She then asked me if there was anything specific that I wanted to ask, and so I said that I would like him to validate himself by giving our secret number. She said this wasn’t something she would normally do, and that it would be difficult (well, I bet!), but she would try. The first number she said was exactly the first half of our 4-digit number code. She was unable to give me the second half, but this still was quite impressive…Number 3 half-met.
I then asked her if she could help me find a thing I was looking for that he had stored somewhere. Again, this was a difficult task and she was first to guess what the thing actually was. She made a mistake here, saying this was a piece of jewelry…but as I said it wasn’t, her second guess was almost close – she said is it a paper…well if a canvas/painting can be treated like a paper, something you can paint on…maybe she was close. Anyways, she was unable to tell me where it is but she said I would find it someday. I hope so…Number 4 just a quarter-met.
And then as we were finishing the talk she said “You felt his passing, didn’t you?”…I was stunned. Of course I did! That’s how it all started! And here she said the fifth one – she said “That’s because you are twinflames…”.
I’m not sure if she says this to anyone who she feels was romantically connected to the spirit, but she was spot on here. She said he was always around and that I can feel his presence, which is true…
There were some minor things that she said that seemed a bit off to me, but that might have been the misinterpretation…
I was exhausted after the talk and I spent the rest of the night analysing the messages and the accuracy rate and the probability for coincidences, but what I came up with was even if she were to say generic things, like some mediums are skilled to do, would she have hit all of these items on my list more or less? And well overall, the 70 or even perhaps 80 percent of what she said was accurate in this way or another…
Now tell me, am I being too wishful and could these just be coincidences coupled by a skilled medium’s experience, or is there more to it? I would really love to hear some impartial thoughts…
These past couple of days have been full of technological know-hows related in one way or the other to afterlife. I wonder if this is a result of my consciousness creating my reality where I, yet unable to connect substantially to the other side through the tools available to me, that is my own mind, am creating aiding technologies to do the work for me. I don’t think any tool would ever replace the spiritual connection that we all are capable of establishing and which we should actually aim at developing, but still as a temporary aid I wouldn’t mind having these at hand.
First I came across the soul-phone! WoW! Have you heard of this concept for a device which will enable communication with the loved ones who passed on!? It’s promised to come in stages, starting with a simple yes-no button widget, then a keyboard which will be a more advanced analogue of the Ouija board where the ones in spirit would be able to type us messages…and then will come the audio soul-phone and, at the very far end of this concept line is a video communication device. I thought it was a prank, but going deeper into the research and people behind this, I must say I’m not that sceptical now. You can watch this if you’re interested and have a spare hour, it really is an interesting presentation!
Next came the movie I-Origins, which I found on a couple of afterlife movie recommendation lists. The movie was based on the concept that no single eye pattern repeats in two humans, and that the eyes are the window to the soul, and most importantly, and this is a bit of a spoiler, that when people reincarnate they might be recognised by the eyes. There was a technological solution in the movie which would scan the eyes of all people around the world and would store them in a database. Thanks to this database it was possible to identify a person with a similar eye-pattern and find the reincarnate of the deceased loved one. I enjoyed the movie a lot, as it covered a lot of the philosophies I follow, there was a lot about synchronicity, past life memory and twin-flame connection, which is exactly what I live by in this current stage of my life.
After the movie I indulged in the daydreams of one day being able to possibly find the new incarnation of my soulmate, if he chooses to reincarnate at all. I feel like he hasn’t yet, since I can feel his spiritual presence very strongly. I believe, it would decrease or end altogether with him reincarnating. So in a way I dread it, in another I look forward to it…And then I get lost due to not understanding all the mechanics and implications of these possibilities properly. And due to fear of losing touch with him someday.
And then there came the sign, as always at sacred moments like this, when I feel most connected telepathically to him…As if to reassure me that he was still there, with me. As I switched off the movie on my phone, somehow the YouTube app popped up itself, without me launching it, and there playing was the MOST OUR song of all our songs of all time! The song that he used to put on in his car as he would spend the night under my window…The song that would lull us as we drifted into sleep on the two ends of the phone…The song that he would order for me on the radio back in the days when this was one of the most romantic gifts one could give to their beloved. And I had never opened this video on YouTube before this to think that it just stayed there open and somehow reappeared as I closed other apps. It just appeared…itself…
And as the song goes, I am grateful to him for everything! For all these magical moments that keep me sane and going, for the energy that he puts into being there at my side when I most need it. And for the eternal love!
My last couple of dreams were full of signs and messages from you. Although you weren’t there, it was still nice waking up knowing we were connected in a way…it’s all about energy exchange after all.
In the first of the message dreams I got a handwritten note from you, which was an A5 sized lined piece of paper that I found as I opened the door. I knew you were no longer alive in the physical world and so I got happy as I thought you found a way of sending messages from the other side. I can’t recall the text but the essence was very positive…again this was all on an energy level, not words.
Interestingly the following morning, as I woke up and was having breakfast with the kids, the doorbell rang. I went to open, but there wasn’t anyone. I thought someone just mixed up the door and went on having the breakfast. In about half an hour there was another ring at the door. I hurried this time to see if there was anyone, and again – nobody. I opened the door to check if there was any note (crazy, I know), but there was none, and I couldn’t hear anyone walking in the building either. I am convinced that this was you. The main entrance to our buildilng is coded and nobody could have entered just to have fun ringing at people’s doors. And needless to say, none of the neighbours would have done it either. And then it linked perfectly to the dream, where I got the note / the sign from you / after opening the door, so this is all a perfect match.
And then that very night there was another dream.
I was at a military parade where there was a demonstration of new machinery. My friends went to the backstage while I decided to stay where I was and observe the show. I then got a facebook message from you. Again, I was perfectly aware that you were no longer in this world, but I was able to read the messages this time. There was this very tender address, that I so miss, where you call me in your special ways…and then you were telling me that you were alive and that you just had some problems with the laws and had to be hiding. You also sent me a photoshopped picture of you & me and at the side of the picture there was a little boy of about 6 years old and a callout that said “Dad, let me play some more”. You found this was a funny postcard, but my heart was racing like crazy. There was also a link to a song on youtube from Sade…we both loved her songs a lot back then. There were millions of thoughts in my head, as I was trying to understand how it could be that you were alive, as I saw your lifeless and disfigured face during our final goodbye at the funeral (that creepy image of you still haunts me from time to time and causes me terrible heartbreak..) and then I was thinking of the right words to tell you now that I probably had very little time. I chose to write that I missed you terribly and that I was longing for an embrace. I woke up at that point and it all faded away. All those moments of happiness remained behind the dream veil and I was left with the you-less reality.
I gave it some more thought as I was now awake, imagining how if that could have been true, I would find the place where you were hiding and I would have a chance to hug you again and see your smile…oh those daydreams…what would I be doing without them.
I didn’t have any signs from you since then, but I’m sure there will be more coming. Because I just can’t imagine my life without them any more. Keep ringing at my door, dropping stuff at my place, drawing hearts in the clouds and putting on the songs we loved on the radio. Please do!
I’m getting better at summoning you into my lucid dream! Tonight, finally!, I was able to get a “real” you, and not a still luminous figure or a holographic copy as I used to before!
I took the HTP-5 supplement, which has proved to be quite helpful for me in inducing lucid dreams combined with the wake-back-to-bed (WBTB) technique. I also used the mnemonic induction technique (MILD) where I did affirmations right before sleep, repeating to myself “this is a dream” right to the moment where I switch off. I also made a plan of actions for once I would be lucid to a) summon you and ask you about the missing painting and b) brush up my piano tribute to you where I’m a bit stuck with the main theme.
At some point in the dream, where I was wandering in some backyards that were familiar but slightly different, I somehow realised that this wasn’t the place where I last remembered myself being conscious and TADA! I was lucid! I checked my hands as I often do for a reality check and I could see my fingers fading, so I was 100% sure I was in a dream.
Interestingly, I could also remember that my last attempt at summoning you through the door technique wasn’t successful and so I almost unconsciously used a different technique, where I said to myself “I will turn around now and you will be there behind a tree”. I turned around and oh my! you were there!!!
I ran up to you and hugged you. I was overwhelmingly happy! At some point I drifted into a less conscious dream, as I don’t remember some details, and I certainly forgot to ask you about the painting 😦 But at some point I remembered about the plan to play the piano and I could again see you at my side sitting on a sofa. On my right side was the piano. I sat at it and attempted to play, but I realised that there was some other noise in the room that was interfering with the piano. There were two blonde girls in the room with us who were supposedly watching the TV. And again I drifted off here and do not remember anything else of what happened next.
In the morning I woke up with a broad smile on my face as I could still feel the warmness of our embrace, like the subtle trail of perfume, an aftertaste of fizzy wine…I am grateful for having been in your company for at least the time of that brief encounter. See you soon!
I once painted us…sitting on a bench with trees behind us. Although the embrace was very tender, the trees in the background were telling a different story. The one on his side was in full green, while the tree behind me was all faded yellow. It was autumn in my heart, still warm but with a breath of the inevitable winter. And there was that evergreen tenderness in his eyes…
The painting was long hanging in my room until I got married and moved out. My mom took it off the wall and wasn’t sure what to do with it, so I decided to give it to him. He took it eagerly but I never knew what eventually the fate of the painting was.
I still don’t.
After he was gone I was trying to find it, but it wasn’t at his place, his mom had never seen it and after searching in all possible places it was nowhere to be found.
And then I thought that it might be a good idea to ask him to lead me to the painting in my dreams. Not long after he came into my dream and was in a bathroom, leaning over the tub. I told him I could remember perfectly the phone number of his grandparents’ place where he used to stay quite often and where he would call me from during the long overnight talks. I said the number in the dream and made a mistake in the first two numbers, which he laughed at, but then I corrected myself.
I woke up and immediately let his mom know about the dream, asking her to check out the grandparents’ bathroom. She checked everything, including climbing the ceilings, but it wasn’t there. That would probably be too easy and too fantastic.
But I’m not giving up. I will still be waiting for more clues until I find it. Not that my walls are empty without it, but that would be a very strong sign that you’re still there. I don’t even need the painting, as I have grown very unattached to material things. I have the painting in my heart, and my heart is an overcrowded gallery of memories of you, framed like stills from our life, each starting to play in a loop as a thought of a moment lingers in. Priceless, unforgettable moments…
This makes me hopeful that waiting for our reunion is not going to be as dreadfully long as I would imagine.
I was waiting for a special sign on the occasion of the anniversary, and, as always these days, my thoughts manifested themselves into my reality.
I was taking shower losing myself in thoughts, rewinding the memories of the day, the ceremony at your grave, and then back to the day a year ago, when you suddenly appeared in my thoughts so strongly and how it then turned out to be the time of your passing.
As I opened my eyes from these steamy reveries I was dumbfounded by the image that I saw in front of me – the bath curtain bent into folds forming an absolutely accurate outline of your face! There were your small uzbek eyes, the chubby nose, the lips with the mild and comforting smile upon them and even the small scar on your right cheek that I so adore. It was so accurate, that it felt as if you were standing right behind the curtain and it was mimicking the contours of your face pressed against it.
I was afraid to touch it, so that it wouldn’t get distorted and lost and so I stood there talking to you for a while about how I missed you and how I was looking forward to your next visitation in my dream and how I was thankful for always staying around me and reassuring me of your continuous presence.
Suddenly a teardrop appeared right under the spot of your right eye ready to fall. Did I make you sad, or was it tears of happiness, do spirits cry at all? Or maybe you wanted to show me that seeing me so painstruck and restless was making you sad. So I immediately wiped my tears and went into the positive mode, appreciating this wonderful visitation and reiterating my strong intention to find you wherever you are and however long it might take.