Grieving allowance on a widowed birthday

Sometimes I catch myself thinking that I feel like a widow. I am not, God forbid, but my pain is just as acute. And that leads me back to how everything in our life is conditional, labelled and square.

If I were a widow, I would be understood and my grief would be expected and acceptable, I would have an allowance of about a year to grieve. If I am not, if it’s a soulmate, a friend, you can’t even explain it in the first place, and you can only grieve for a week?, a month?, well and occasionally, for example when it’s their Birthday.

Finally I can grieve openly today. It’s your Birthday.

It’s the only day of the year, when we would usually talk in the last 10 years. Through my birthday messages I always wanted you to know, that you are not alone, I’m with you in my thoughts and you are special to me.

I think, knowing that you are special for someone always makes life more beautiful and worthwhile. At least it has been so for me and I always cherish the thought of those people for whom I am special. Even if there is no physical interaction for some ‘material’ ‘earthly’ reasons, I always send some good vibes towards these people and I know these are felt and important at some level, some frequency, even if transmitted and received unconsciously.

I have always felt your vibes, too, and I so want to thank you for filling my life with so much love and ‘specialness’. Your love has always been imprinted in my consciousness and made me feel irreplaceable, unique and love-worthy.

May the day you were born be blessed!

And here is an urge to everyone to send those good vibes to all the people you love and who are special to you. I would challenge you to let them know you’re thinking about them, even if there are seemingly insurmountable obstacles, separation, fight, hard feelings. One day it might be late. Mind the Gap

And I will go ahead and survive this difficult day when I no longer can send you a birthday message, but can still elicit those loving vibes in anticipation of our next meeting in the dreams.




Birthday birth-death ponderings

It was my birthday the other day. Of course I didn’t celebrate as I just didn’t have enough strength to celebrate life when I was still mourning death. I know you aren’t happy about it and would have encouraged me to celebrate, but I just couldn’t, not this time. I would have to
pretend that I’m having fun, and pretending is the thing I hate most.

I also asked for a present, which I’m still waiting to receive – a new dream, where you would wish me a Happy Birthday and would give me a hug, just like this


Is that too much to ask? No, I’m sure it isn’t and I’ll be waiting as much as needed, even if it’s my next birthday. Because what’s a birthday, a relative value, nothing. It’s one day in lunar calendar, another in the Chinese calendar. And in fact when are we born? When we leave the womb on a scheduled C-section day, or natural birth day or when the conception occurs, or never at all, because we are eternal and never die and are never born…

I guess, there was one more reason why I didn’t celebrate. Once many years ago you asked me what would happen if you were to die in your 33, I said I would die in my 35. That was due to our age difference, as you are two years younger. Words and wishes of this sort have a very strong power. It is my 35 birthday. I’m not afraid. In fact I am amazed that I am still here. Given the relationship that I am now discovering we have and the power of this union I am totally bewildered that by some wondrous chance I wasn’t gone the same day, the same moment as you. I must have some really important stuff to deal with here if I continue to remain.

Well, if so, once again – Lead me, guide me, walk beside me. And don’t forget about my birthday present!