All you left me with is eternity…

Once I walked away, because I decided that for both of us it would be best if we let our love live eternally, without messing it up through morbid relationship games, ego battles and trivialisation of the beautiful grand state of love.

I always believed loving doesn’t mean having the person necessarily tucked under your arm, anyway.

You weren’t happy about the decision, but I never regretted it…I guess I could never imagine what could be the karmic effect of this choice.

The droll fate didn’t keep me waiting long to see.

Now that you’re gone…forever…all I’m left with is the eternity of grand pure love…without you.

But I’ll find a way to work it out, I promise. I’ll sow new seeds and one day, maybe lives away, there will be one eternity for the two of us.



Getting experimental with Karma.

Photo: Colin Anderson / Getty Images

Catapult to the afterlife

These past couple of days have been full of technological know-hows related in one way or the other to afterlife. I wonder if this is a result of my consciousness creating my reality where I, yet unable to connect substantially to the other side through the tools available to me, that is my own mind, am creating aiding technologies to do the work for me. I don’t think any tool would ever replace the spiritual connection that we all are capable of establishing and which we should actually aim at developing, but still as a temporary aid I wouldn’t mind having these at hand.

First I came across the soul-phone! WoW! Have you heard of this concept for a device which will enable communication with the loved ones who passed on!? It’s promised to come in stages, starting with a simple yes-no button widget, then a keyboard which will be a more advanced analogue of the Ouija board where the ones in spirit would be able to type us messages…and then will come the audio soul-phone and, at the very far end of this concept line is a video communication device. I thought it was a prank, but going deeper into the research and people behind this, I must say I’m not that sceptical now. You can watch this if you’re interested and have a spare hour, it really is an interesting presentation!

Next came the movie I-Origins, which I found on a couple of afterlife movie recommendation lists.  The movie was based on the concept that no single eye pattern repeats in two humans, and that the eyes are the window to the soul, and most importantly, and this is a bit of a spoiler, that when people reincarnate they might be recognised by the eyes. There was a technological solution in the movie which would scan the eyes of all people around the world and would store them in a database. Thanks to this database it was possible to identify a person with a similar eye-pattern and find the reincarnate of the deceased loved one. I enjoyed the movie a lot, as it covered a lot of the philosophies I follow, there was a lot about synchronicity, past life memory and twin-flame connection, which is exactly what I live by in this current stage of my life.

After the movie I indulged in the daydreams of one day being able to possibly find the new incarnation of my soulmate, if he chooses to reincarnate at all. I feel like he hasn’t yet, since I can feel his spiritual presence very strongly. I believe, it would decrease or end altogether with him reincarnating. So in a way I dread it, in another I look forward to it…And then I get lost due to not understanding all the mechanics and implications of these possibilities properly. And due to fear of losing touch with him someday.

And then there came the sign, as always at sacred moments like this, when I feel most connected telepathically to him…As if to reassure me that he was still there, with me. As I switched off the movie on my phone, somehow the YouTube app popped up itself, without me launching it, and there playing was the MOST OUR song of all our songs of all time! The song that he used to put on in his car as he would spend the night under my window…The song that would lull us as we drifted into sleep on the two ends of the phone…The song that he would order for me on the radio back in the days when this was one of the most romantic gifts one could give to their beloved. And I had never opened this video on YouTube before this to think that it just stayed there open and somehow reappeared as I closed other apps. It just appeared…itself…

And as the song goes, I am grateful to him for everything! For all these magical moments that keep me sane and going, for the energy that he puts into being there at my side when I most need it. And for the eternal love!




To new beginnings!

It’s so hard to let go of this year. Even though this was the year that took you away, it also was the last year when you were still around for a month and 18 days, sharing your smiles, love and wisdom with the world.

But it is a rule of life, everything ends to begin again. And I’m sure there are no exceptions to this rule, and as the new year will come to take the place of the old,  you were only
gone to be born again, and separation is only there to lead to a new encounter.

And I’ll be looking forward to it…




On the white wings of sorrow

It feels like I’m in taking a course in after death communication (ADC) and am given all the possible signs and experiences known to people. Whatever information I read on ADC and whichever stories from others I come across, I can relate to them. There might still be a bunch of signs that my twin hasn’t thrown my way, but this is probably only a matter of time. I hope we can also invent some new ones together.

What I have observed so far and find the most amazing is that each sign is somehow thought of, carefully planned and prepared for. It’s not just one occurrence, but a series of events building up towards the sign itself, or a repeated occurrence of the same sign in different forms which reaffirms it being a sign.

This last sign I had was an outcome of one of these well-prepared plans.

First came the song. It was shared by a couple of my friends on Facebook at the same time and by that caught my attention. It wasn’t a new song, rather quite an oldie but I had never heard it before. The title instantly sparked all my grieving feelings – “Where there’s no me”. The lyrics were just grinding all my essence, tearing the remnants of my half-soul apart into millions of pieces that I still cannot recollect.

I’ll attempt to translate the lyrics here, so that the reader can fully feel the extent of power of this song.

“Where there’s no me”

There’s no me,

Where there have not been laid

Your footprints in the sand

And where a white bird in sorrow

Is making circles by the foamy waters.

I’m only there,

Where there’s a trembling sound

On the lips of the luring quay,

And your swift-like eyes

Glide watching intently from the sky.


There’s no me,

Where the fog of the hair

Will not cover up the white day,

Where the pines of amber tears

Are dried away by a caring deer.

I’m only there,

Where you watch the door, full of hope,

And build a snowman cheerful as a kid.


There’s no me,

Where the steamboat cries in the night,

Where the horizons realize they’re orphaned without you.

I’m only there,

Where there’s no me around the invisible you,

You know, without you

It’s impossible for me to live a single day, eventually.



I’ve highlighted some of the phrases, as they either have a personal meaning/sign or have just touched the finest strings.

the lips of the luring quay – I’ve been having many recollections of our first kiss, a very powerful memory, indeed, of the many kisses I’ve had in my life and I’ve been trying to use this recollection to bring back the strongest physical sensations of having him near me

swift-like eyes – I didn’t know what this analogy meant, until I realised that the singer had eyes shaped just like my twin’s. He was even nicknamed as Uzbek by his friends for this shape of the eyes. And when I looked up on the internet, I realised the singer is Uzbek too. How I miss those eyes… It’s probably the realization that kills me most intensely, that I will not ever again see these eyes.

you watch the door, full of hope – I know till the last day of his life he was watching that door in the hope that I would come to him…now I’ll be watching the exit door of my life , full of white light and hope…to come to him one day…

steamboat cries in the night – any boat now reminds me of the beautiful visitation dream on the boat with my twin

Where the horizons realize they’re orphaned without you – this is just so powerful, I have this feeling of  an empty universe without him all the time. It’s full of everything, full of many beautiful things and feelings, but it’s still somewhat empty for me.

there’s no me around the invisible you – I always picture the invisible him around myself, usually on my right. I swear I can feel his touch sometimes.

without you it’s impossible for me to live a single day, eventually – eventually, is the keyword here, I would have never thought I’d be so much lifeless without him. I am eventually. He’s part of my every single day. I know that the day I stop believing he lives on, will be the last day of my life.

And the last one, is the one which led to the most material sign,

white bird in sorrow is making circles by the foamy waters – I was listening to this song on my player sitting by a fountain, where I often sit and watch the waters foam and form ethereal rainbows, when suddenly a white dove flew into this area and started flying around the foaming fountain. It sat then on a roof opposite me and we were looking at each other for what seemed an eternity. Just me and him, the rest of the world ceased to exist. I never saw white doves in that park, not even in my city one can see them frequently. They’re usually only bred specially for religious ceremonies, released during weddings and baptism events.

One more memory for the forever.




The afterlife love story from the beginning.

Wind in the sails of oneness

I don’t recall if there was any wind…It was calm and dark. We were alone in a boat. He was telling me some funny stories as he used to and showing some photos.

For the first time in 4 months he came to my dream. Not a lucid dream, unfortunately, despite the daily training and some success in other dreams. After a long time of waiting and chasing him in my dreams, I had decided to loosen my grip a little, as it seemed my too ardent attempts were pushing him even further away from me, as was my depressed and grieving attitude. A week of no tears and here he was bright and careless in my dream.

I was so excited in the morning that he finally appeared, that I didn’t quite give a lot of significance to the details. I now wonder, how could I!

On the next day I was browsing some books to read and videos to watch on the subject of metaphysics, astral projection etc and there was a title that got my attention: Boat. At the moment it just reminded me of the dream and I felt warmness and went on doing my stuff with him in my thoughts as usual.

It was not until yesterday night that I finally was thrown this in my face when my five-year-old daughter, who was going to bed after shower all of a sudden, while I was drying her up with a towel, declared – “Boat!”. OMG! I was startled. I said: “What? What boat? Why did you think of a boat” and she was confused, as she could also feel it came out of the blue and was not related to anything. So she said “Hmm…I guess it’s in the street.” But that was not enough for me so after some time I asked her again, how come she thought of a boat, and as she was drowsy and ready to go to sleep, she mumbled another phrase: “The only one!”. When I asked who’s the only one, she said “you, mummy”. And again she got surprised and asked me: “What does the only one mean?” (in our local language there’s a single word for this phrase which she never used and so didn’t know the meaning). I explained her and she seemed satisfied and went to bed. But I was left totally speechless. At the same time very warm again – as if he was telling me through her, “Hey! it’s me, your friend in the boat, and you’re my only one…we are one”.

This is when I made up my mind to explore a bit further the significance of the Boat as a symbol.

I’m still at it as I’m writing the post and there are some immediate findings, some good some not so much, but I tend to focus on the positive ones. I would welcome any interpretations from more experienced symbolists.

  • Boat as a symbol for a means of travel on the spiritual path – this one is very relevant, as I’m currently exploring all things spiritual and trying to find my unique mission in this life. I would assume that having him in this boat would mean that he’ll be guiding me on my way.
  • Boat on a river between this reality and the afterlife. The crossing line for the spirits and the meeting place for souls between the two worlds. I guess this one doesn’t interfere with the first one and could just complement it. It somehow gives a more realistic touch to the dream.
  • Boat as a transportation for the spirit to a new incarnation. I found this one somewhere and I didn’t quite feel positive about it, as this would mean that my friend was going to be reincarnated and would lose any memory of me. I have a lot of fear associated with this version and I have thought on numerous occasions that if he chooses to reincarnate, I would please ask him to give me a hint of where and who he would reincarnate into, so that I could somehow identify him. I’m sure I would feel this, but my mind just keeps on asking for facts…silly mind.
  • The last and least attractive interpretation is the one which is always associated with dreams involving deceased persons. It’s when they take you with them and that would symbolise the dreamer’s passing away. He didn’t call me anywhere, we were just spending time together, and it’s more like I called him into my dream, so I don’t take this as an invitation. I am not afraid and I will happily join him someday, but I just know I still have a lot to do here and my intuition just tells me this is not it.

I guess I’m done with the main findings. Will be researching further, but any ideas and suggestions would be very helpful!




The afterlife love story from the beginning.





The signs or how the story began

I was waiting for the green light in my car, when suddenly a car stopped next to mine. It had airbrush tattoos all over it with wolves and the moon. It instantly reminded me of my dear old friend who had a special affection for wolves. I peeked into the car, expecting to see the familiar features, but it wasn’t him. I thought this was a sign, that I needed to call him, as for the past two years I was busy with my youngest daughter and didn’t even have a chance to call on my friend’s birthday as I always used to.

It eventually was a sign. Next morning I learned that at the very time of the sign my friend had taken a drug and died in the next 1-2 hours. Died. Full-stop.

I will not go into a lot of detail about how I felt at that moment, the extent of my sorrow and self-blame for not having called on him for the past two years and not having called him at the very moment of the sign, which is when I could have probably helped him out. Almost 3 months past now, I still cannot forgive myself and settle with the idea of him passing away. But what is 3 months, anyway, in the eternity of missing someone.



143 is in the air

Back when we were younger we were in love, or we thought we were as at the time we couldn’t quite figure out the nature of our relationship as there wasn’t yet enough maturity. At that time he made up a numeric code for expressing “I love you” and he would call or text me at the time when the clock would show this numeric sequence. These numbers, and it is not a master number sequence, although the  latter as well, are now everywhere I look. Call it coincidence, synchronicity, probability theory, I don’t care, the important thing for me is that one of these things reminds me of love all the time. I am in the mood of love and this makes life so much more beautiful.

I can feel you, I can even hear you

We had our favourite radio, it would always play music that expressed our feelings. Nowadays (well at least at the moments when I tune to it) this radio plays songs about the loss of loved ones, their continued presence in our lives, the need to open your heart, close the eyes and dream, “…and  I will be there”. Again, a manifestation of one of those logical explanations of the ‘impossible’. And, again, I don’t care. What does it take to try and close the eyes and dream, and believe. What if it works.

This has brought me to the exploration of lucid dreams, out-of-body experiences, astral projection, Kundalini energy, Sattva Yoga and many more subjects new to me, but not new to my friend who was a big esoteric fan. Whatever the outcome, I’m happy I’ve opened up for new knowledge, new experiences and sensations, that help me achieve harmony and happiness.

The present from the other side

19th day without him on the planet Earth. International women’s day. Everyone give flowers to their hearts’ ladies.  I suddenly thought that he never gave me flowers and never will, sadly. At that very thought a dry autumn leaf just flies into my car through the open window. An autumn leaf, in the middle of spring and green trees, no wind. Just like the autumn leaf that he once found very beautiful and took a photo of it. I stumbled upon this photo right after getting this flower.  Another magical series of coincidences.

Sky canvas

I was sad once, run-down by one of those early-spring depressions, but 12888694_10206240976691061_8491754742173458107_o
when I opened my window I saw a huge yellow sun drawn on the road. And him standing there smiling. I love that smile. That’s one of the things, along with his deep, uniquely-shaped eyes, that I miss more than anything about the physical body that is now soulless.

On the fortieth day of his passage I was especially alert, watching/hearing/feeling out to any signs and sensations. I somehow thought that this was the day when his soul would leave this “reality” for higher planes. Again there was a song that made me particularly sad and when I looked up at the sky, tears pouring from my eyes, I saw this huge heart drawn with the clouds. Here’s the actual photo. The heart got distorted a little on the right side before I took out the camera and captured it, otherwise it was a perfect heart!

UPDATE: Got a new heart some time later. Perfect this time around. You can check it out here.

The young medium

I was buying food at the counter, when suddenly a little girl tapped me on my leg and as I turned to see who that was, she looked at me right in the eye and said “I love you very much!”. I was literally on the edge of breaking down with tears. She didn’t know me, she didn’t mix me with anyone she knows, she came up to me of all the 1000 people in that store without even seeing me and said this. I asked “Do you love everyone?”, she said “No, only the good ones!“. Never, ever, had such thing happened to me before. Deep in my heart I know why and how this happened now.

UPDATE: About a month later, I was visiting my friend’s mom. We do meet occasionally to support each other and share some memories of our beloved soul. In a conversation she suddenly said: “You were special for him. He didn’t really care for too many people around him and didn’t let them close enough to himself. Only the good ones!“.

I will be posting here about any new interactions and signs as I experience them.

In the meantime I would love to hear other stories of afterlife signs/communication.

POLL: I would also love to know what others think of these experiences. Are they signs, coincidences or fantasies.






Afterlife Love Story

Through this blog I’m going to keep record of a new journey that I’ve embarked on – a strange, out-of-the-world and at times unbelievable experience of an afterlife relationship. This is mostly for myself to have a “secret diary” of the events, but I’m also happy to share this with anyone who might be in a similar situation and might need reassurance and affirmation. I’ve been there myself and I know how someone’s positive experience might cheer up at a time when you think it’s all over and your loved one is gone forever.

This blog is going to be all about love in it’s purest form – not to be confused with any single form of love in the physical world, rather their cumulative expression where love is you in your entirety.

There might be controversial pieces of experiences, as I am still in the learning process and am exploring the unknown, stumbling and falling, checking and discrediting, theorizing and practising.

I will also be happy for any comments and feedback from the readers. I think this quest to the higher realms and our consciousness should actually be a communal effort. I now see this as an overarching priority for the humanity, which we’ve distanced ourselves from dramatically. There is, however, so much potential still untapped or available to only the few lucky ones.

I hope I will enthuse you to look into these things “supernatural”, to find love and happiness and share it along.


As the end of this brief introduction I would like to note that I am sane, or well I have always been considered such, although sanity has become a relativism for me nowadays just like anything else in this reality. But just so that you know, if you wonder, who’s the author of all of these phantasmagorias, I am a mother of two, a mid-career senior manager at a global organization, a founding partner of a charity social enterprise, non-religious with mostly Buddhist views, a multi-form artist in my spare time and a happy person overall.