All you left me with is eternity…

Once I walked away, because I decided that for both of us it would be best if we let our love live eternally, without messing it up through morbid relationship games, ego battles and trivialisation of the beautiful grand state of love.

I always believed loving doesn’t mean having the person necessarily tucked under your arm, anyway.

You weren’t happy about the decision, but I never regretted it…I guess I could never imagine what could be the karmic effect of this choice.

The droll fate didn’t keep me waiting long to see.

Now that you’re gone…forever…all I’m left with is the eternity of grand pure love…without you.

But I’ll find a way to work it out, I promise. I’ll sow new seeds and one day, maybe lives away, there will be one eternity for the two of us.

Love,

Hope.

Getting experimental with Karma.
shrooms

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Your minutes of my day

You have your minutes in my every day… Each time  the clock shows our time,  I let the world stop and take in the magical feel of those 60 seconds.

No matter what I am doing,  if I see any combination of our secret numbers glowing on the screen of my phone,  I stop speaking,  thinking or whatever and open my heart to receive your message echoing in the eternity. Like in a time machine I teleport into one of those minutes in the past. The feeling I used to get when you would message me in these particular minutes reverbs in my whole essence and gives me shivers,  as if I still feel the flow of the energy of the words coded into these four numbers.

And it enlightens me suddenly that the energy of love never dies…it isn’t even transformed…it just is… eternal.

Love

Hope

 
Cacophony
 

Kissed in bliss

Holidays have become tricky.

With a heavy heart I’m leaving, as I don’t know whether in spirit you would be following me or maybe you’re somehow attached to a place here in the physical…

As if to deepen my concerns, there were no signs from you on the first days of being away, and although I was enjoying the mountainous views, the sound of the waves unfurling onto the grainy shore and the magical sunsets, deep down I was waiting and vigilant.

And then one day I looked up at the sky and knew you were there.

hearts

This was also confirmed next morning during my early sun salutation yoga.

As I was stretching myself and meditating in my favourite Surya Namaskar postures with the beautiful views in front of me, a gorgeous grey horse appeared. It drank some water from the lake and then approached me and smooched me right under my  heart. This was magical, breathtaking…and ooh, Shiny!

I had never before been kissed by a horse, even though I used to take some horse-riding sessions, and I would stroke them occasionally but they would never get this intimate with me.

I appreciate the energy you put into showing up to me in this world and am looking forward to an eternity of this ethereal presence until I too become it.

Love

Hope

Trance

Photo: Colin Anderson / Getty Images

Catapult to the afterlife

These past couple of days have been full of technological know-hows related in one way or the other to afterlife. I wonder if this is a result of my consciousness creating my reality where I, yet unable to connect substantially to the other side through the tools available to me, that is my own mind, am creating aiding technologies to do the work for me. I don’t think any tool would ever replace the spiritual connection that we all are capable of establishing and which we should actually aim at developing, but still as a temporary aid I wouldn’t mind having these at hand.

First I came across the soul-phone! WoW! Have you heard of this concept for a device which will enable communication with the loved ones who passed on!? It’s promised to come in stages, starting with a simple yes-no button widget, then a keyboard which will be a more advanced analogue of the Ouija board where the ones in spirit would be able to type us messages…and then will come the audio soul-phone and, at the very far end of this concept line is a video communication device. I thought it was a prank, but going deeper into the research and people behind this, I must say I’m not that sceptical now. You can watch this if you’re interested and have a spare hour, it really is an interesting presentation!

Next came the movie I-Origins, which I found on a couple of afterlife movie recommendation lists.  The movie was based on the concept that no single eye pattern repeats in two humans, and that the eyes are the window to the soul, and most importantly, and this is a bit of a spoiler, that when people reincarnate they might be recognised by the eyes. There was a technological solution in the movie which would scan the eyes of all people around the world and would store them in a database. Thanks to this database it was possible to identify a person with a similar eye-pattern and find the reincarnate of the deceased loved one. I enjoyed the movie a lot, as it covered a lot of the philosophies I follow, there was a lot about synchronicity, past life memory and twin-flame connection, which is exactly what I live by in this current stage of my life.

After the movie I indulged in the daydreams of one day being able to possibly find the new incarnation of my soulmate, if he chooses to reincarnate at all. I feel like he hasn’t yet, since I can feel his spiritual presence very strongly. I believe, it would decrease or end altogether with him reincarnating. So in a way I dread it, in another I look forward to it…And then I get lost due to not understanding all the mechanics and implications of these possibilities properly. And due to fear of losing touch with him someday.

And then there came the sign, as always at sacred moments like this, when I feel most connected telepathically to him…As if to reassure me that he was still there, with me. As I switched off the movie on my phone, somehow the YouTube app popped up itself, without me launching it, and there playing was the MOST OUR song of all our songs of all time! The song that he used to put on in his car as he would spend the night under my window…The song that would lull us as we drifted into sleep on the two ends of the phone…The song that he would order for me on the radio back in the days when this was one of the most romantic gifts one could give to their beloved. And I had never opened this video on YouTube before this to think that it just stayed there open and somehow reappeared as I closed other apps. It just appeared…itself…

And as the song goes, I am grateful to him for everything! For all these magical moments that keep me sane and going, for the energy that he puts into being there at my side when I most need it. And for the eternal love!

Love

Hope

Evanescent
Survive

Dreams as clues

I once painted us…sitting on a bench with trees behind us. Although the embrace was very tender, the trees in the background were telling a different story. The one on his side was in full green, while the tree behind me was all faded yellow. It was autumn in my heart, still warm but with a breath of the inevitable winter. And there was that evergreen tenderness in his eyes…

The painting was long hanging in my room until I got married and moved out. My mom took it off the wall and wasn’t sure what to do with it, so I decided to give it to him. He took it eagerly but I never knew what eventually the fate of the painting was.

I still don’t.

After he was gone I was trying to find it, but it wasn’t at his place, his mom had never seen it and after searching in all possible places it was nowhere to be found.

And then I thought that it might be a good idea to ask him to lead me to the painting in my dreams. Not long after he came into my dream and was in a bathroom, leaning over the tub. I told him I could remember perfectly the phone number of his grandparents’ place where he used to stay quite often and where he would call me from during the long overnight talks. I said the number in the dream and made a mistake in the first two numbers, which he laughed at, but then I corrected myself.

I woke up and immediately let his mom know about the dream, asking her to check out the grandparents’ bathroom. She checked everything, including climbing the ceilings, but it wasn’t there. That would probably be too easy and too fantastic.

But I’m not giving up. I will still be waiting for more clues until I find it. Not that my walls are empty without it, but that would be a very strong sign that you’re still there. I don’t even need the painting, as I have grown very unattached to material things. I have the painting in my heart, and my heart is an overcrowded gallery of memories of you, framed like stills from our life, each starting to play in a loop as a thought of a moment lingers in. Priceless, unforgettable moments…

Earth

Spike

http://www.onak.ca/

A tear for a year

Can’t believe a year has been through…

This makes me hopeful that waiting for our reunion is not going to be as dreadfully long as I would imagine.

I was waiting for a special sign on the occasion of the anniversary, and, as always these days, my thoughts manifested themselves into my reality.

I was taking shower losing myself in thoughts, rewinding the memories of the day, the ceremony at your grave, and then back to the day a year ago, when you suddenly appeared in my thoughts so strongly and how it then turned out to be the time of your passing.

As I opened my eyes from these steamy reveries I was dumbfounded by the image that I saw in front of me – the bath curtain bent into folds forming an absolutely accurate outline of your face! There were your small uzbek eyes, the chubby nose, the lips with the mild and comforting smile upon them and even the small scar on your right cheek that I so adore. It was so accurate, that it felt as if you were standing right behind the curtain and it was mimicking the contours of your face pressed against it.

I was afraid to touch it, so that it wouldn’t get distorted and lost and so I stood there talking to you for a while about how I missed you and how I was looking forward to your next visitation in my dream and how I was thankful for always staying around me and reassuring me of your continuous presence.

Suddenly a teardrop appeared right under the spot of your right eye ready to fall. Did I make you sad, or was it tears of happiness, do spirits cry at all? Or maybe you wanted to show me that seeing me so painstruck and restless was making you sad. So I immediately wiped my tears and went into the positive mode, appreciating this wonderful visitation and reiterating my strong intention to find you wherever you are and however long it might take.

Love

Hope

 

Cover photo: My Bleeding Heart

Artist: Ona Kingdon

http://www.onak.ca/

One, two, action!

As if it was not enough for me to see and acknowledge the signs from the other side, I suddenly decided to engage with them and see where they might lead me.

I am in a small waiting room, in a queue for submitting some documents, when suddenly I overhear the conversation of the person at the customer service window, who announces his wife’s name, which is so bizarre  that I can’t but play with it in my mind. Her name is Love and her surname is that of a famous local poet.

For some reason I immediately think of the statue of this poet and it feels like someone is whispering that I should travel there right after I leave this place. For an instant I brush this off and say to myself that I’m going nuts and this is way too much, but then I remember the inspirational article I was reading the day before where it was advised that doing new and crazy things were good to our psyche, so I think I’d go on this little adventure just for fun and for the sake of busting the routine.

Once I’m out of the place I drive to the statue. I can see it from the back and turn around to read the name of the poet to be sure I haven’t confused it with some other statue. As soon as I finish reading the name of the poet and reaffirm for myself that this is my destination, I look back in front of me and there’s a car which has our numbers on its number plate, the numbers that stand for Love.

Riddle solved, sign received and engaged with!

I must confess I drove after the taxi just in case if there was anything more to it than just the declaration. But it drove into some backyard and stopped without any further mission.

But I think this was a good warm-up for me and perhaps now that I have seen engaging with the sign can have further depth to it, you might send me on more complex adventures!

Love,

Hope

Repurpose

Automatic