With a heavy heart I’m leaving, as I don’t know whether in spirit you would be following me or maybe you’re somehow attached to a place here in the physical…
As if to deepen my concerns, there were no signs from you on the first days of being away, and although I was enjoying the mountainous views, the sound of the waves unfurling onto the grainy shore and the magical sunsets, deep down I was waiting and vigilant.
And then one day I looked up at the sky and knew you were there.
This was also confirmed next morning during my early sun salutation yoga.
As I was stretching myself and meditating in my favourite Surya Namaskar postures with the beautiful views in front of me, a gorgeous grey horse appeared. It drank some water from the lake and then approached me and smooched me right under my heart. This was magical, breathtaking…and ooh, Shiny!
I had never before been kissed by a horse, even though I used to take some horse-riding sessions, and I would stroke them occasionally but they would never get this intimate with me.
I appreciate the energy you put into showing up to me in this world and am looking forward to an eternity of this ethereal presence until I too become it.
One of the first things I decided for myself early in the days when my grief was very fresh and when I set myself the intention of finding my way to my twinflame, was not ever, not for all the ayahuasca in Peru! to go and see mediums or channellers. Not that I don’t believe that some are really able to make the connection [otherwise I wouldn’t aim to train myself as one] but just because I would never be absolutely sure that it was him. And then, direct interaction was what I was after.
I’m not sure which the determining factor was – was it the long time it was taking me to connect to my twin and the slow progress with the spiritual practice, or was it the temptation that I couldn’t fight when the opportunity arose – but I broke my promise. And I am having mixed feelings as a result now.
I wasn’t looking for any readings specifically, because my mind was fully occupied with the meditation practice, lucid dreaming and astral projection, energy work etc. However, when I got the recommendation to contact a lady who had a similar journey to mine and had proved to be quite accurate in her readings as a result of a near-death experience, the worm made its nest in my mind and I was already making up the excuses.
And so I arranged for a reading. There was quite a waiting list and I had to wait for a month. During this month I would imagine this talk for many times working out all the possible scenarios, trying not to be too optimistic about it, and still this was a terrible distraction to everything I was after and I was really hopeful to get a strong validation of his presence in that reading.
It was my first reading ever, I never knew what to expect and perhaps this was one of the reasons for the slight disappointment with the accuracy of the communication. The medium was a bit off quite often, but also on spot for about 70% of the time.
Prior to the talk I asked my twin to pass on to me through the medium some messages, that would leave me assured:
For some time I’ve been feeling very low about him not having left an offspring, a son or a daughter, who would be a piece of his physical existence in this life. I must admit that I even had a crazy thought, that if there were a DNA bank with his material, I would probably have gone and done an AI. And once I had a visitation dream, where he was sending me messages on Facebook and among the other stuff there was a postcard of me and him and a boy of about 6 or 7 who was his son…or maybe our son…
Anyways, the first thing I wanted him to validate through the medium, was something related to this boy.
The second thing I asked was that he shared one of the many signs or dreams of him that I’ve experienced during this year and half, so that I could be sure that those really were signs, rather than me going nuts and that it was him in my dreams and not solely my mind’s construct.
The third thing I wanted to get as a validation was our secret number.
And ultimately, I wanted him to reassure me that we indeed were twinflames and that this wasn’t something I made up (I do have this critical thinking spurts occasionally).
The medium first warned me that it looked like this was the first time for my boy to be channelled too and so he might not be very skilled at passing on the messages to her. I’m not sure how this works, probably through symbols and telepathic thought exchange, but maybe there’s some truth to it…
Well, she knew it was the spirit of a male at once, but this didn’t impress me much, because there were only two options to choose from anyways.
The first thing she said that she sees something related to fatherhood and protection. She suggested the spirit could be my father’s, but I told her this wasn’t the case. She still would insist that the message she was getting was related to children, so she asked if we had common children with the man, to which I said no…but intuitively I was already linking this discussion to the first validation on my list…
She then told me the accurate age, saying he was in his thirties when he passed on and she also told me the reason of the death and that it was unexpected. She said he was a victim of bad addictions (indeed he died of drug overdose) and that this was making me very mad. Yes yes and yes! I always was very mad at him for taking the damned drugs.
She then told me that she sees tears in the bathroom. Well, yes, I do sometimes cry in the bathroom, I guess all of us do sometimes and I’m sure those who grieve loved one’s loss do this even more often. But the thing that came to my mind was the one case when I saw his face imprinted on the bathroom curtain and there was a drop of water rolling down the part of the curtain where his right eye would have been, and it was so much like a tear… So this could well have been the number 2 on my list.
She also said that he came to my dreams often. That is of course true, but again, who doesn’t dream of their deceased loved ones…She said that he wanted me to know it was him indeed in those dreams. Number 2 again…
She then asked me if there was anything specific that I wanted to ask, and so I said that I would like him to validate himself by giving our secret number. She said this wasn’t something she would normally do, and that it would be difficult (well, I bet!), but she would try. The first number she said was exactly the first half of our 4-digit number code. She was unable to give me the second half, but this still was quite impressive…Number 3 half-met.
I then asked her if she could help me find a thing I was looking for that he had stored somewhere. Again, this was a difficult task and she was first to guess what the thing actually was. She made a mistake here, saying this was a piece of jewelry…but as I said it wasn’t, her second guess was almost close – she said is it a paper…well if a canvas/painting can be treated like a paper, something you can paint on…maybe she was close. Anyways, she was unable to tell me where it is but she said I would find it someday. I hope so…Number 4 just a quarter-met.
And then as we were finishing the talk she said “You felt his passing, didn’t you?”…I was stunned. Of course I did! That’s how it all started! And here she said the fifth one – she said “That’s because you are twinflames…”.
I’m not sure if she says this to anyone who she feels was romantically connected to the spirit, but she was spot on here. She said he was always around and that I can feel his presence, which is true…
There were some minor things that she said that seemed a bit off to me, but that might have been the misinterpretation…
I was exhausted after the talk and I spent the rest of the night analysing the messages and the accuracy rate and the probability for coincidences, but what I came up with was even if she were to say generic things, like some mediums are skilled to do, would she have hit all of these items on my list more or less? And well overall, the 70 or even perhaps 80 percent of what she said was accurate in this way or another…
Now tell me, am I being too wishful and could these just be coincidences coupled by a skilled medium’s experience, or is there more to it? I would really love to hear some impartial thoughts…
These past couple of days have been full of technological know-hows related in one way or the other to afterlife. I wonder if this is a result of my consciousness creating my reality where I, yet unable to connect substantially to the other side through the tools available to me, that is my own mind, am creating aiding technologies to do the work for me. I don’t think any tool would ever replace the spiritual connection that we all are capable of establishing and which we should actually aim at developing, but still as a temporary aid I wouldn’t mind having these at hand.
First I came across the soul-phone! WoW! Have you heard of this concept for a device which will enable communication with the loved ones who passed on!? It’s promised to come in stages, starting with a simple yes-no button widget, then a keyboard which will be a more advanced analogue of the Ouija board where the ones in spirit would be able to type us messages…and then will come the audio soul-phone and, at the very far end of this concept line is a video communication device. I thought it was a prank, but going deeper into the research and people behind this, I must say I’m not that sceptical now. You can watch this if you’re interested and have a spare hour, it really is an interesting presentation!
Next came the movie I-Origins, which I found on a couple of afterlife movie recommendation lists. The movie was based on the concept that no single eye pattern repeats in two humans, and that the eyes are the window to the soul, and most importantly, and this is a bit of a spoiler, that when people reincarnate they might be recognised by the eyes. There was a technological solution in the movie which would scan the eyes of all people around the world and would store them in a database. Thanks to this database it was possible to identify a person with a similar eye-pattern and find the reincarnate of the deceased loved one. I enjoyed the movie a lot, as it covered a lot of the philosophies I follow, there was a lot about synchronicity, past life memory and twin-flame connection, which is exactly what I live by in this current stage of my life.
After the movie I indulged in the daydreams of one day being able to possibly find the new incarnation of my soulmate, if he chooses to reincarnate at all. I feel like he hasn’t yet, since I can feel his spiritual presence very strongly. I believe, it would decrease or end altogether with him reincarnating. So in a way I dread it, in another I look forward to it…And then I get lost due to not understanding all the mechanics and implications of these possibilities properly. And due to fear of losing touch with him someday.
And then there came the sign, as always at sacred moments like this, when I feel most connected telepathically to him…As if to reassure me that he was still there, with me. As I switched off the movie on my phone, somehow the YouTube app popped up itself, without me launching it, and there playing was the MOST OUR song of all our songs of all time! The song that he used to put on in his car as he would spend the night under my window…The song that would lull us as we drifted into sleep on the two ends of the phone…The song that he would order for me on the radio back in the days when this was one of the most romantic gifts one could give to their beloved. And I had never opened this video on YouTube before this to think that it just stayed there open and somehow reappeared as I closed other apps. It just appeared…itself…
And as the song goes, I am grateful to him for everything! For all these magical moments that keep me sane and going, for the energy that he puts into being there at my side when I most need it. And for the eternal love!
These rules have been given by one of the greatest Sufi mystic Shamas of Tabriz also known as Shamas Tabrizi in subcontinent. It’s believed that in 13th century Shamas was the man behind turning Rumi from a regular scholar to a Sufi mystic and a great poet. Shamas had to face a lot of critism and hate from the people of Konya( where he and Rumi lived) for turning Rumi into Sufi mystic but that was the price Shamas was willing to pay for his beloved companion and was eventually killed by none other than Rumi’ s own son. Death of Shamas turned Rumi into a complete poet.
Forty rules are
How we see God is a direct reflection of how we see ourselves. If God brings to mind mostly fear and blame, it means there is too much fear and blame welled inside us. If we see…
It was one of these mornings when I wake up with a call, an insistent urge to do something. I felt I absolutely needed to go to that park, where we used to walk and which always catches my eye from random spots in the city with its colorful Ferris wheel and the massive monument which seems to mark the highest peek of the city.
And as I always do nowadays, I followed my intuition and drove to this conservation park of our memories. It has a long promenade which leads to an observation spot and there at the end of the path is a stone bench, where you carved ‘I love you, Hope. 1999’ with the souvenir knife that I bought for you in Toledo.
Not every memory I have is as minutely vivid as that of us sitting on this bench and you scribbling hard-to-carve letters one by one to make their way into eternity.
It was a gloomy morning, the skies all gray and I thought, although I’m loving this moody autumnal scenery I am going to miss the hearts in the clouds which I used to get quite often and which will now become a rare spotting because there will be more grays than blues & whites in the sky for the next two seasons.
As I was driving I already noticed a transformation in the sky and when I was walking in the park I could already see the clear blues above my head and tiny cloud knots forming like cotton candy here and there.
A minute later a new monument caught my eye that I had never seen before. I know every inch of the place and I would notice even a new shrub or a stone rearranged, but a monument was a surprise. It was an oriental sculpture of a cross, Persian, I thought, and stopped to give it a closer look as I felt it was there for a reason, as if my mind had erected it for me to find at that very moment in that very place. I knew what exactly I was looking for and my eye caught it immediately. Your name was written in the bottom inscription. It was a one in a million chance for the benefactor’s name to be that and no other. Your name is rare in these places and finding it usually is a sign in itself, but as always your signs are rich and complex just like your deep personality is. I looked up and there it was, my long awaited giant solitaire cloud heart right above the monument.
You have always been very generous for sharing the beauty of your creative energy and I have been one lucky woman to have been the object of your love. One of the things I am very sorry about is not having thanked you for making my life so beautiful, so amazingly loveful and one of a kind. I would never be able to return you even one hundredth of it, if at all it was possible to measure. ..
And your sky canvas was generously heartful that afternoon as if you were drawing the hearts for me to cherish in advance of the winter dry spell.
I know you can now feel all my appreciation for your loving spirit’s gifts, but I will still find a way to say “Thank you!” while looking into your deep cosmic eyes. And that time is near!