They say we should not live in the past or future. And then I ask myself if I live with the memory of you, does it mean I live in the past? But then I realise: you are not past, you are eternity.
I found a Teacher. Or maybe he found me when I was ready. Or maybe you led me to finding him.
You were and are my first teacher. The teacher, that’s indivisible from me, one with me. My mirror showing all my flaws and imperfections, and at the same time infinitely accepting and loving. I didn’t realise it back then, so I turned away and left the mirror covered with a white cloth in an abandoned empty house.
They say the teacher comes when you are ready to let go of your ego, reveal your true essence and learn to love wholeheartedly and sincerely. This brings me back to your last Facebook post, which I’m sure many took as a sentimental goodbye note and already forgot by now. But not me. You just nailed it, when you said “Love more often with divine love.” This was your last lesson and I’m doing my best to learn it and put it into practice. And I can already see the changes in me, in my life and hopefully also soon in the life of others.
Now that you’re not here, you led me to a teacher whom I found in search for the answers. And then, after a series of signs and synchronicities, I became his disciple.
This has been a transformational journey and I still have a long way to go. But I know with each day I’m getting closer to the higher me, us, the oneness.
One realisation that has come to me, that I no longer am attached to you as a separate someone. Songs like “I cannot live without you” don’t ring a bell anymore, because I cannot be without you, simply because you are me and these are not just words, but a deep powerful feeling of oneness and connection, that no longer depends on the physical presence.
I am blessed!
Once I walked away, because I decided that for both of us it would be best if we let our love live eternally, without messing it up through morbid relationship games, ego battles and trivialisation of the beautiful grand state of love.
I always believed loving doesn’t mean having the person necessarily tucked under your arm, anyway.
You weren’t happy about the decision, but I never regretted it…I guess I could never imagine what could be the karmic effect of this choice.
The droll fate didn’t keep me waiting long to see.
Now that you’re gone…forever…all I’m left with is the eternity of grand pure love…without you.
But I’ll find a way to work it out, I promise. I’ll sow new seeds and one day, maybe lives away, there will be one eternity for the two of us.
You have your minutes in my every day… Each time the clock shows our time, I let the world stop and take in the magical feel of those 60 seconds.
No matter what I am doing, if I see any combination of our secret numbers glowing on the screen of my phone, I stop speaking, thinking or whatever and open my heart to receive your message echoing in the eternity. Like in a time machine I teleport into one of those minutes in the past. The feeling I used to get when you would message me in these particular minutes reverbs in my whole essence and gives me shivers, as if I still feel the flow of the energy of the words coded into these four numbers.
And it enlightens me suddenly that the energy of love never dies…it isn’t even transformed…it just is… eternal.
Holidays have become tricky.
With a heavy heart I’m leaving, as I don’t know whether in spirit you would be following me or maybe you’re somehow attached to a place here in the physical…
As if to deepen my concerns, there were no signs from you on the first days of being away, and although I was enjoying the mountainous views, the sound of the waves unfurling onto the grainy shore and the magical sunsets, deep down I was waiting and vigilant.
And then one day I looked up at the sky and knew you were there.
This was also confirmed next morning during my early sun salutation yoga.
As I was stretching myself and meditating in my favourite Surya Namaskar postures with the beautiful views in front of me, a gorgeous grey horse appeared. It drank some water from the lake and then approached me and smooched me right under my heart. This was magical, breathtaking…and ooh, Shiny!
I had never before been kissed by a horse, even though I used to take some horse-riding sessions, and I would stroke them occasionally but they would never get this intimate with me.
I appreciate the energy you put into showing up to me in this world and am looking forward to an eternity of this ethereal presence until I too become it.
My day always starts with the recording of my nightly adventures in the dream journal. Today I wrote down some of the episodes that I could recall and it hit me that one name from the dream was somehow
unusual and it was specifically stuck in my memory. I can even remember how in the dream I was telling myself not to forget this name.
Ramona was the name of a lady in my dream who was supposed to guide me in some aspects of my job.
A strange name, and I cannot even recall stumbling upon this name anytime in my waking life. As I thought of this I decided that it might be a sign, so I just Googled it to see what would be the first thing I would be drawn to. And I found this lovely song by Jim Reeves:
Somehow the lyrics just resonated with me and perhaps, given that you always gave me messages through songs, this is also a message from you that “when the day is done, I’ll hear your call, and we’ll meet by the waterfall”.
Interestingly, everytime I meditate and try to connect to you, I picture you sitting on a rock beside the water with your back to me. Perhaps that will be our meeting place by the waterfall. I’ll be waiting for the call, I’m always in the waiting mode, tuned into our frequency.
One of the first things I decided for myself early in the days when my grief was very fresh and when I set myself the intention of finding my way to my twinflame, was not ever, not for all the ayahuasca in Peru! to go and see mediums or channellers. Not that I don’t believe that some are really able to make the connection [otherwise I wouldn’t aim to train myself as one] but just because I would never be absolutely sure that it was him. And then, direct interaction was what I was after.
I’m not sure which the determining factor was – was it the long time it was taking me to connect to my twin and the slow progress with the spiritual practice, or was it the temptation that I couldn’t fight when the opportunity arose – but I broke my promise. And I am having mixed feelings as a result now.
I wasn’t looking for any readings specifically, because my mind was fully occupied with the meditation practice, lucid dreaming and astral projection, energy work etc. However, when I got the recommendation to contact a lady who had a similar journey to mine and had proved to be quite accurate in her readings as a result of a near-death experience, the worm made its nest in my mind and I was already making up the excuses.
And so I arranged for a reading. There was quite a waiting list and I had to wait for a month. During this month I would imagine this talk for many times working out all the possible scenarios, trying not to be too optimistic about it, and still this was a terrible distraction to everything I was after and I was really hopeful to get a strong validation of his presence in that reading.
It was my first reading ever, I never knew what to expect and perhaps this was one of the reasons for the slight disappointment with the accuracy of the communication. The medium was a bit off quite often, but also on spot for about 70% of the time.
Prior to the talk I asked my twin to pass on to me through the medium some messages, that would leave me assured:
For some time I’ve been feeling very low about him not having left an offspring, a son or a daughter, who would be a piece of his physical existence in this life. I must admit that I even had a crazy thought, that if there were a DNA bank with his material, I would probably have gone and done an AI. And once I had a visitation dream, where he was sending me messages on Facebook and among the other stuff there was a postcard of me and him and a boy of about 6 or 7 who was his son…or maybe our son…
Anyways, the first thing I wanted him to validate through the medium, was something related to this boy.
The second thing I asked was that he shared one of the many signs or dreams of him that I’ve experienced during this year and half, so that I could be sure that those really were signs, rather than me going nuts and that it was him in my dreams and not solely my mind’s construct.
The third thing I wanted to get as a validation was our secret number.
The fourth one was the location of the painting.
And ultimately, I wanted him to reassure me that we indeed were twinflames and that this wasn’t something I made up (I do have this critical thinking spurts occasionally).
The medium first warned me that it looked like this was the first time for my boy to be channelled too and so he might not be very skilled at passing on the messages to her. I’m not sure how this works, probably through symbols and telepathic thought exchange, but maybe there’s some truth to it…
Well, she knew it was the spirit of a male at once, but this didn’t impress me much, because there were only two options to choose from anyways.
The first thing she said that she sees something related to fatherhood and protection. She suggested the spirit could be my father’s, but I told her this wasn’t the case. She still would insist that the message she was getting was related to children, so she asked if we had common children with the man, to which I said no…but intuitively I was already linking this discussion to the first validation on my list…
She then told me the accurate age, saying he was in his thirties when he passed on and she also told me the reason of the death and that it was unexpected. She said he was a victim of bad addictions (indeed he died of drug overdose) and that this was making me very mad. Yes yes and yes! I always was very mad at him for taking the damned drugs.
She then told me that she sees tears in the bathroom. Well, yes, I do sometimes cry in the bathroom, I guess all of us do sometimes and I’m sure those who grieve loved one’s loss do this even more often. But the thing that came to my mind was the one case when I saw his face imprinted on the bathroom curtain and there was a drop of water rolling down the part of the curtain where his right eye would have been, and it was so much like a tear… So this could well have been the number 2 on my list.
She also said that he came to my dreams often. That is of course true, but again, who doesn’t dream of their deceased loved ones…She said that he wanted me to know it was him indeed in those dreams. Number 2 again…
She then asked me if there was anything specific that I wanted to ask, and so I said that I would like him to validate himself by giving our secret number. She said this wasn’t something she would normally do, and that it would be difficult (well, I bet!), but she would try. The first number she said was exactly the first half of our 4-digit number code. She was unable to give me the second half, but this still was quite impressive…Number 3 half-met.
I then asked her if she could help me find a thing I was looking for that he had stored somewhere. Again, this was a difficult task and she was first to guess what the thing actually was. She made a mistake here, saying this was a piece of jewelry…but as I said it wasn’t, her second guess was almost close – she said is it a paper…well if a canvas/painting can be treated like a paper, something you can paint on…maybe she was close. Anyways, she was unable to tell me where it is but she said I would find it someday. I hope so…Number 4 just a quarter-met.
And then as we were finishing the talk she said “You felt his passing, didn’t you?”…I was stunned. Of course I did! That’s how it all started! And here she said the fifth one – she said “That’s because you are twinflames…”.
I’m not sure if she says this to anyone who she feels was romantically connected to the spirit, but she was spot on here. She said he was always around and that I can feel his presence, which is true…
There were some minor things that she said that seemed a bit off to me, but that might have been the misinterpretation…
I was exhausted after the talk and I spent the rest of the night analysing the messages and the accuracy rate and the probability for coincidences, but what I came up with was even if she were to say generic things, like some mediums are skilled to do, would she have hit all of these items on my list more or less? And well overall, the 70 or even perhaps 80 percent of what she said was accurate in this way or another…
Now tell me, am I being too wishful and could these just be coincidences coupled by a skilled medium’s experience, or is there more to it? I would really love to hear some impartial thoughts…