With a heavy heart I’m leaving, as I don’t know whether in spirit you would be following me or maybe you’re somehow attached to a place here in the physical…
As if to deepen my concerns, there were no signs from you on the first days of being away, and although I was enjoying the mountainous views, the sound of the waves unfurling onto the grainy shore and the magical sunsets, deep down I was waiting and vigilant.
And then one day I looked up at the sky and knew you were there.
This was also confirmed next morning during my early sun salutation yoga.
As I was stretching myself and meditating in my favourite Surya Namaskar postures with the beautiful views in front of me, a gorgeous grey horse appeared. It drank some water from the lake and then approached me and smooched me right under my heart. This was magical, breathtaking…and ooh, Shiny!
I had never before been kissed by a horse, even though I used to take some horse-riding sessions, and I would stroke them occasionally but they would never get this intimate with me.
I appreciate the energy you put into showing up to me in this world and am looking forward to an eternity of this ethereal presence until I too become it.
Yesterday night I had my first lucid dream in the AY (it still is a challenge for me to define or even think of your absence as of death, passing away…). If for the best part of the world there is an era defined as BC – Before Christ, then the era that started for me 6 months ago is the AY – After You.
I used to have natural lucid dreams in my teens, I didn’t even know they were special, I thought it was common for everyone to have them. I lost this special ability to the routine of life, to its worries and fast paces. I only remembered about them when you were gone and I was searching for the ways to find you, to connect with you.
After months of practice and failed attempts (grief is a very bad companion on the lucid dream journey), I finally became lucid in my dream of yesterday.
I’ve been taking a supplement that is supposed to help with lucidity and on the 6th day of taking it I got the desired result. Of course, it was combined with many other techniques and daily practice, but this will hopefully not remain a unique experience, rather a start of a wonderful journey ahead. Everything came gradually and I’m sure this is just the beginning.
And so I gently slip into the dream after waking and going back to bed taking my supplement (this is the important technique) and instantly realize I’m in a dream. I am standing in front of a mirror where I know I see myself. The reflection in the mirror as I recall it now is not my usual reflection, in fact isn’t me at all, but a different face I distinctly remember, glowing with a white positive light, which for some reason I take for myself in a dream. Perhaps this is my dream self or even some higher self, but that would take further attempts to figure out.
I remember, or my subconscious has it, that I set myself three intentions for the next time I become lucid:
2. Summon you
3. Compose music
Here I am flying. I clearly see all the landscapes below, from a bird’s eye view. I missed this sensation of flight that I used to experience pretty often as a teenager. It somehow gives the feel of lightness, freedom and carefree adolescence, and with the loss of these in life it was only natural to lose their reflection in the dreams. I feel like my yogic practice and the meditations have brought back some of this peace of mind and happy sattvic state which found their echo in the flying dreams.
Next item on my list and it was on my mind throughout the flight, as if I was trying to prepare for it and get some energy or maybe courage. Next thing I’m calling out for you. Never did anything like that in my past lucid dreams, but I’m expecting it to work like an instant teleportation to where you are or you manifesting right there by the power of my thought. The latter turns out to be the way it works, at least that time in that dream. I can see you standing in some distance, in a red t-shirt this time. But you look aloof, detached, don’t even look at me. I try to call you again, but you still do not turn my way. You even look strict, as if I didn’t have to do this and this was inappropriate. I let you go and the rest of the plans don’t matter, so I leave the music thing for another occasion and just give myself in to the flow of the dream, occasionally telling some of the dream characters that this is a dream they’re in and catching their surprised looks.
I have some more non-lucid dreams before I wake up. But despite the fact of the succeeded attempt of a lucid dream I woke up depressed and sad. I am still trying to figure what it was that I manifested…was it just a holographic lifeless projection of my memory of you, or was it you, but forced into my dream at an inappropriate time. I feel like I’ve wronged it but again it would take some more attempts to figure that out. I must admit I am a bit scared of attempting that again, to meet your cold and iron-like figure instead of the long awaited super-tight hug is something I am not at all prepared for. But I am a stupid cow (sorry, cow), remember? I won’t stop until I’m told so in my face, so if there is something wrong in calling you into my dream, you will have to tell me that. I very much hope, though, that this is just a failed first pancake and that we have an amazing journey ahead of us. I worked so hard to get there…
I was waiting for the green light in my car, when suddenly a car stopped next to mine. It had airbrush tattoos all over it with wolves and the moon. It instantly reminded me of my dear old friend who had a special affection for wolves. I peeked into the car, expecting to see the familiar features, but it wasn’t him. I thought this was a sign, that I needed to call him, as for the past two years I was busy with my youngest daughter and didn’t even have a chance to call on my friend’s birthday as I always used to.
It eventually was a sign. Next morning I learned that at the very time of the sign my friend had taken a drug and died in the next 1-2 hours. Died. Full-stop.
I will not go into a lot of detail about how I felt at that moment, the extent of my sorrow and self-blame for not having called on him for the past two years and not having called him at the very moment of the sign, which is when I could have probably helped him out. Almost 3 months past now, I still cannot forgive myself and settle with the idea of him passing away. But what is 3 months, anyway, in the eternity of missing someone.
143 is in the air
Back when we were younger we were in love, or we thought we were as at the time we couldn’t quite figure out the nature of our relationship as there wasn’t yet enough maturity. At that time he made up a numeric code for expressing “I love you” and he would call or text me at the time when the clock would show this numeric sequence. These numbers, and it is not a master number sequence, although the latter as well, are now everywhere I look. Call it coincidence, synchronicity, probability theory, I don’t care, the important thing for me is that one of these things reminds me of love all the time. I am in the mood of love and this makes life so much more beautiful.
I can feel you, I can even hear you
We had our favourite radio, it would always play music that expressed our feelings. Nowadays (well at least at the moments when I tune to it) this radio plays songs about the loss of loved ones, their continued presence in our lives, the need to open your heart, close the eyes and dream, “…and I will be there”. Again, a manifestation of one of those logical explanations of the ‘impossible’. And, again, I don’t care. What does it take to try and close the eyes and dream, and believe. What if it works.
This has brought me to the exploration of lucid dreams, out-of-body experiences, astral projection, Kundalini energy, Sattva Yoga and many more subjects new to me, but not new to my friend who was a big esoteric fan. Whatever the outcome, I’m happy I’ve opened up for new knowledge, new experiences and sensations, that help me achieve harmony and happiness.
The present from the other side
19th day without him on the planet Earth. International women’s day. Everyone give flowers to their hearts’ ladies. I suddenly thought that he never gave me flowers and never will, sadly. At that very thought a dry autumn leaf just flies into my car through the open window. An autumn leaf, in the middle of spring and green trees, no wind. Just like the autumn leaf that he once found very beautiful and took a photo of it. I stumbled upon this photo right after getting this flower. Another magical series of coincidences.
I was sad once, run-down by one of those early-spring depressions, but
when I opened my window I saw a huge yellow sun drawn on the road. And him standing there smiling. I love that smile. That’s one of the things, along with his deep, uniquely-shaped eyes, that I miss more than anything about the physical body that is now soulless.
On the fortieth day of his passage I was especially alert, watching/hearing/feeling out to any signs and sensations. I somehow thought that this was the day when his soul would leave this “reality” for higher planes. Again there was a song that made me particularly sad and when I looked up at the sky, tears pouring from my eyes, I saw this huge heart drawn with the clouds. Here’s the actual photo. The heart got distorted a little on the right side before I took out the camera and captured it, otherwise it was a perfect heart!
UPDATE:Got a new heart some time later. Perfect this time around. You can check it out here.
The young medium
I was buying food at the counter, when suddenly a little girl tapped me on my leg and as I turned to see who that was, she looked at me right in the eye and said “I love you very much!”. I was literally on the edge of breaking down with tears. She didn’t know me, she didn’t mix me with anyone she knows, she came up to me of all the 1000 people in that store without even seeing me and said this. I asked “Do you love everyone?”, she said “No, only the good ones!“. Never, ever, had such thing happened to me before. Deep in my heart I know why and how this happened now.
UPDATE:About a month later, I was visiting my friend’s mom. We do meet occasionally to support each other and share some memories of our beloved soul. In a conversation she suddenly said: “You were special for him. He didn’t really care for too many people around him and didn’t let them close enough to himself. Only the good ones!“.
I will be posting here about any new interactions and signs as I experience them.
In the meantime I would love to hear other stories of afterlife signs/communication.
POLL: I would also love to know what others think of these experiences. Are they signs, coincidences or fantasies.
Through this blog I’m going to keep record of a new journey that I’ve embarked on – a strange, out-of-the-world and at times unbelievable experience of an afterlife relationship. This is mostly for myself to have a “secret diary” of the events, but I’m also happy to share this with anyone who might be in a similar situation and might need reassurance and affirmation. I’ve been there myself and I know how someone’s positive experience might cheer up at a time when you think it’s all over and your loved one is gone forever.
This blog is going to be all about love in it’s purest form – not to be confused with any single form of love in the physical world, rather their cumulative expression where love is you in your entirety.
There might be controversial pieces of experiences, as I am still in the learning process and am exploring the unknown, stumbling and falling, checking and discrediting, theorizing and practising.
I will also be happy for any comments and feedback from the readers. I think this quest to the higher realms and our consciousness should actually be a communal effort. I now see this as an overarching priority for the humanity, which we’ve distanced ourselves from dramatically. There is, however, so much potential still untapped or available to only the few lucky ones.
I hope I will enthuse you to look into these things “supernatural”, to find love and happiness and share it along.
As the end of this brief introduction I would like to note that I am sane, or well I have always been considered such, although sanity has become a relativism for me nowadays just like anything else in this reality. But just so that you know, if you wonder, who’s the author of all of these phantasmagorias, I am a mother of two, a mid-career senior manager at a global organization, a founding partner of a charity social enterprise, non-religious with mostly Buddhist views, a multi-form artist in my spare time and a happy person overall.