Kissed in bliss

Holidays have become tricky.

With a heavy heart I’m leaving, as I don’t know whether in spirit you would be following me or maybe you’re somehow attached to a place here in the physical…

As if to deepen my concerns, there were no signs from you on the first days of being away, and although I was enjoying the mountainous views, the sound of the waves unfurling onto the grainy shore and the magical sunsets, deep down I was waiting and vigilant.

And then one day I looked up at the sky and knew you were there.

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This was also confirmed next morning during my early sun salutation yoga.

As I was stretching myself and meditating in my favourite Surya Namaskar postures with the beautiful views in front of me, a gorgeous grey horse appeared. It drank some water from the lake and then approached me and smooched me right under my  heart. This was magical, breathtaking…and ooh, Shiny!

I had never before been kissed by a horse, even though I used to take some horse-riding sessions, and I would stroke them occasionally but they would never get this intimate with me.

I appreciate the energy you put into showing up to me in this world and am looking forward to an eternity of this ethereal presence until I too become it.

Love

Hope

Trance

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Photo: Colin Anderson / Getty Images

Catapult to the afterlife

These past couple of days have been full of technological know-hows related in one way or the other to afterlife. I wonder if this is a result of my consciousness creating my reality where I, yet unable to connect substantially to the other side through the tools available to me, that is my own mind, am creating aiding technologies to do the work for me. I don’t think any tool would ever replace the spiritual connection that we all are capable of establishing and which we should actually aim at developing, but still as a temporary aid I wouldn’t mind having these at hand.

First I came across the soul-phone! WoW! Have you heard of this concept for a device which will enable communication with the loved ones who passed on!? It’s promised to come in stages, starting with a simple yes-no button widget, then a keyboard which will be a more advanced analogue of the Ouija board where the ones in spirit would be able to type us messages…and then will come the audio soul-phone and, at the very far end of this concept line is a video communication device. I thought it was a prank, but going deeper into the research and people behind this, I must say I’m not that sceptical now. You can watch this if you’re interested and have a spare hour, it really is an interesting presentation!

Next came the movie I-Origins, which I found on a couple of afterlife movie recommendation lists.  The movie was based on the concept that no single eye pattern repeats in two humans, and that the eyes are the window to the soul, and most importantly, and this is a bit of a spoiler, that when people reincarnate they might be recognised by the eyes. There was a technological solution in the movie which would scan the eyes of all people around the world and would store them in a database. Thanks to this database it was possible to identify a person with a similar eye-pattern and find the reincarnate of the deceased loved one. I enjoyed the movie a lot, as it covered a lot of the philosophies I follow, there was a lot about synchronicity, past life memory and twin-flame connection, which is exactly what I live by in this current stage of my life.

After the movie I indulged in the daydreams of one day being able to possibly find the new incarnation of my soulmate, if he chooses to reincarnate at all. I feel like he hasn’t yet, since I can feel his spiritual presence very strongly. I believe, it would decrease or end altogether with him reincarnating. So in a way I dread it, in another I look forward to it…And then I get lost due to not understanding all the mechanics and implications of these possibilities properly. And due to fear of losing touch with him someday.

And then there came the sign, as always at sacred moments like this, when I feel most connected telepathically to him…As if to reassure me that he was still there, with me. As I switched off the movie on my phone, somehow the YouTube app popped up itself, without me launching it, and there playing was the MOST OUR song of all our songs of all time! The song that he used to put on in his car as he would spend the night under my window…The song that would lull us as we drifted into sleep on the two ends of the phone…The song that he would order for me on the radio back in the days when this was one of the most romantic gifts one could give to their beloved. And I had never opened this video on YouTube before this to think that it just stayed there open and somehow reappeared as I closed other apps. It just appeared…itself…

And as the song goes, I am grateful to him for everything! For all these magical moments that keep me sane and going, for the energy that he puts into being there at my side when I most need it. And for the eternal love!

Love

Hope

Evanescent
Survive

Dreams as clues

I once painted us…sitting on a bench with trees behind us. Although the embrace was very tender, the trees in the background were telling a different story. The one on his side was in full green, while the tree behind me was all faded yellow. It was autumn in my heart, still warm but with a breath of the inevitable winter. And there was that evergreen tenderness in his eyes…

The painting was long hanging in my room until I got married and moved out. My mom took it off the wall and wasn’t sure what to do with it, so I decided to give it to him. He took it eagerly but I never knew what eventually the fate of the painting was.

I still don’t.

After he was gone I was trying to find it, but it wasn’t at his place, his mom had never seen it and after searching in all possible places it was nowhere to be found.

And then I thought that it might be a good idea to ask him to lead me to the painting in my dreams. Not long after he came into my dream and was in a bathroom, leaning over the tub. I told him I could remember perfectly the phone number of his grandparents’ place where he used to stay quite often and where he would call me from during the long overnight talks. I said the number in the dream and made a mistake in the first two numbers, which he laughed at, but then I corrected myself.

I woke up and immediately let his mom know about the dream, asking her to check out the grandparents’ bathroom. She checked everything, including climbing the ceilings, but it wasn’t there. That would probably be too easy and too fantastic.

But I’m not giving up. I will still be waiting for more clues until I find it. Not that my walls are empty without it, but that would be a very strong sign that you’re still there. I don’t even need the painting, as I have grown very unattached to material things. I have the painting in my heart, and my heart is an overcrowded gallery of memories of you, framed like stills from our life, each starting to play in a loop as a thought of a moment lingers in. Priceless, unforgettable moments…

Earth

Spike

Just another dream that vanished

Isn’t it amazing how in a dream you just switch off a certain part of your memory and live out some crazy scenarios without questioning. You remember the people, their names, some previous activities and relationship history but you forget some other aspects of ‘real’ life.

I tend to forget in my dreams that you’re not alive anymore. Is it because deep down in my mind I do not accept this fact, and by this I mean really NOT accepting, because in the dream you would usually get your hidden fears, desires and thoughts revealed and slapped in your face. So if it were just not fully accepting and running away from ‘reality’, I would probably be forced to accept the naked truth outright in my dream. But I am not.

It took me weeks of pleading for you to finally visit me in a dream again. And it was such a nice getaway from the pain and tears of the last couple of days.

I ran into you during a yoga retreat in some Austrian countryside spot. There were beautiful green hills, quirky pathways and cosy tents. I was surprised to see you there as it wasn’t typical of you to attend such events. But I was delighted to have a chance to spend some time with you. We were riding bicycles and chit-chatting. And the cutest gift of the dream was the warmest hug I gave you which lit you up with happiness.

I woke up with endless warmness in my heart and with a reinforced intention to get back to the active lucid dreaming practice to have a more conscious interaction with you.

Thank you for the visit and for giving me some peace of mind for a while that you’re still there for me and are just a dream away.

Love

Hope

Finding Your Place

Conundrum

Heartful skies

It was one of these mornings when I wake up with a call, an insistent urge to do something. I felt I absolutely needed to go to that park, where we used to walk and which always catches my eye from random spots in the city with its colorful Ferris wheel and the massive monument which seems to mark the highest peek of the city.

And as I always do nowadays, I followed my intuition and drove to this conservation park of our memories. It has a long promenade which leads to an observation spot and there at the end of the path is a stone bench, where you carved ‘I love you, Hope. 1999’ with the souvenir knife that I bought for you in Toledo.

Not every memory I have is as minutely vivid as that of us sitting on this bench and you scribbling hard-to-carve letters one by one to make their way into eternity.

It was a gloomy morning, the skies all gray and I thought, although I’m loving this moody autumnal scenery I am going to miss the hearts in the clouds which I used to get quite often and which will now become a rare spotting because there will be more grays than blues & whites in the sky for the next two seasons.

As I was driving I already noticed a transformation in the sky and when I was walking in the park I could already see the clear blues above my head and tiny cloud knots forming like cotton candy here and there.

A minute later a new monument caught my eye that I had never seen before. I know every inch of the place and I would notice even a new shrub or a stone rearranged, but a monument was a surprise. It was an oriental sculpture of a cross, Persian, I thought, and stopped to give it a closer look as I felt it was there for a reason, as if my mind had erected it for me to find at that very moment in that very place. I knew what exactly I was looking for and my eye caught it immediately. Your name was written in the bottom inscription. It was a one in a million chance for the benefactor’s name to be that and no other. Your name is rare in these places and finding it usually is a sign in itself, but as always your signs are rich and complex just like your deep personality is. I looked up and there it was, my long awaited giant solitaire cloud heart right above the monument.

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You have always been very generous for sharing the beauty of your creative energy and I have been one lucky woman to have been the object of your love. One of the things I am very sorry about is not having thanked you for making my life so beautiful, so amazingly loveful and one of a kind. I would never be able to return you even one hundredth of it, if at all it was possible to measure. ..

And your sky canvas was generously heartful that afternoon as if you were drawing the hearts for me to cherish in advance of the winter dry spell.

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I know you can now feel all my appreciation for your loving spirit’s gifts, but I will still find a way to say “Thank you!” while looking into your deep cosmic eyes. And that time is near!

Love

Hope

Building my
bridge to the afterlife…