Yesterday night I had my first lucid dream in the AY (it still is a challenge for me to define or even think of your absence as of death, passing away…). If for the best part of the world there is an era defined as BC – Before Christ, then the era that started for me 6 months ago is the AY – After You.
I used to have natural lucid dreams in my teens, I didn’t even know they were special, I thought it was common for everyone to have them. I lost this special ability to the routine of life, to its worries and fast paces. I only remembered about them when you were gone and I was searching for the ways to find you, to connect with you.
After months of practice and failed attempts (grief is a very bad companion on the lucid dream journey), I finally became lucid in my dream of yesterday.
I’ve been taking a supplement that is supposed to help with lucidity and on the 6th day of taking it I got the desired result. Of course, it was combined with many other techniques and daily practice, but this will hopefully not remain a unique experience, rather a start of a wonderful journey ahead. Everything came gradually and I’m sure this is just the beginning.
And so I gently slip into the dream after waking and going back to bed taking my supplement (this is the important technique) and instantly realize I’m in a dream. I am standing in front of a mirror where I know I see myself. The reflection in the mirror as I recall it now is not my usual reflection, in fact isn’t me at all, but a different face I distinctly remember, glowing with a white positive light, which for some reason I take for myself in a dream. Perhaps this is my dream self or even some higher self, but that would take further attempts to figure out.
I remember, or my subconscious has it, that I set myself three intentions for the next time I become lucid:
2. Summon you
3. Compose music
Here I am flying. I clearly see all the landscapes below, from a bird’s eye view. I missed this sensation of flight that I used to experience pretty often as a teenager. It somehow gives the feel of lightness, freedom and carefree adolescence, and with the loss of these in life it was only natural to lose their reflection in the dreams. I feel like my yogic practice and the meditations have brought back some of this peace of mind and happy sattvic state which found their echo in the flying dreams.
Next item on my list and it was on my mind throughout the flight, as if I was trying to prepare for it and get some energy or maybe courage. Next thing I’m calling out for you. Never did anything like that in my past lucid dreams, but I’m expecting it to work like an instant teleportation to where you are or you manifesting right there by the power of my thought. The latter turns out to be the way it works, at least that time in that dream. I can see you standing in some distance, in a red t-shirt this time. But you look aloof, detached, don’t even look at me. I try to call you again, but you still do not turn my way. You even look strict, as if I didn’t have to do this and this was inappropriate. I let you go and the rest of the plans don’t matter, so I leave the music thing for another occasion and just give myself in to the flow of the dream, occasionally telling some of the dream characters that this is a dream they’re in and catching their surprised looks.
I have some more non-lucid dreams before I wake up. But despite the fact of the succeeded attempt of a lucid dream I woke up depressed and sad. I am still trying to figure what it was that I manifested…was it just a holographic lifeless projection of my memory of you, or was it you, but forced into my dream at an inappropriate time. I feel like I’ve wronged it but again it would take some more attempts to figure that out. I must admit I am a bit scared of attempting that again, to meet your cold and iron-like figure instead of the long awaited super-tight hug is something I am not at all prepared for. But I am a stupid cow (sorry, cow), remember? I won’t stop until I’m told so in my face, so if there is something wrong in calling you into my dream, you will have to tell me that. I very much hope, though, that this is just a failed first pancake and that we have an amazing journey ahead of us. I worked so hard to get there…