Grieving allowance on a widowed birthday

Sometimes I catch myself thinking that I feel like a widow. I am not, God forbid, but my pain is just as acute. And that leads me back to how everything in our life is conditional, labelled and square.

If I were a widow, I would be understood and my grief would be expected and acceptable, I would have an allowance of about a year to grieve. If I am not, if it’s a soulmate, a friend, you can’t even explain it in the first place, and you can only grieve for a week?, a month?, well and occasionally, for example when it’s their Birthday.

Finally I can grieve openly today. It’s your Birthday.

It’s the only day of the year, when we would usually talk in the last 10 years. Through my birthday messages I always wanted you to know, that you are not alone, I’m with you in my thoughts and you are special to me.

I think, knowing that you are special for someone always makes life more beautiful and worthwhile. At least it has been so for me and I always cherish the thought of those people for whom I am special. Even if there is no physical interaction for some ‘material’ ‘earthly’ reasons, I always send some good vibes towards these people and I know these are felt and important at some level, some frequency, even if transmitted and received unconsciously.

I have always felt your vibes, too, and I so want to thank you for filling my life with so much love and ‘specialness’. Your love has always been imprinted in my consciousness and made me feel irreplaceable, unique and love-worthy.

May the day you were born be blessed!

And here is an urge to everyone to send those good vibes to all the people you love and who are special to you. I would challenge you to let them know you’re thinking about them, even if there are seemingly insurmountable obstacles, separation, fight, hard feelings. One day it might be late. Mind the Gap

And I will go ahead and survive this difficult day when I no longer can send you a birthday message, but can still elicit those loving vibes in anticipation of our next meeting in the dreams.

Love

Hope

Chaotic

Embraced by your presence on the frequency of love [Successful Out of Body Experience]

Tonight I registered some progress! It wasn’t groundbreaking but still it was a breakthrough that left further cracks and craters in my late ‘reality’ and self consciousness which was significantly shattered after your passing and my brief but profound and mind-altering experiences with lucid dreaming and astral projection/phasing/OOBE.

Tonight again I made up my mind to try to enter a wake-induced lucid dream (WILD) through wake-back-to-bed and FILD techniques (sorry for the extensive terminology). I woke up to my alarm, took the 5 HTP neurotransmitter pill which has proved to be successful twice already in this scenario, put on my headphones to listen to some binaural music which I also find quite helpful and set my intentions for the dream.

I’m still analysing what happened next, because it was different both from a lucid dream and from the first projection experience I had some time ago. But it was mind-blowing!

In about 20-30 minutes I realised my body was asleep and my consciousness was free. I thought I would be entering the dream, like I often do, from the very beginning into some dreamscape, but I was still in my room and in the same reality as I continued to perceive it, but without a body.  No indicators of a dream at all. I have had a number of lucid dreams to know the difference. And with all these altered states knowing is usually the only truth and evidence.

At this point I restarted the FILD (finger technique which involves slightly tapping the index and middle fingers to keep consciousness awake while the body sets off to sleep). I felt an electric current in my fingers. I levitated upwards from my bed and was thinking of the next steps, because I could obviously feel this wasn’t a dream and therefore my dream plans were irrelevant. I also got extremely excited just like the first time and felt that I was being sucked back  into my body. Just then I realised I was feeling your presence around me. I didn’t “see” you but I knew you were there. I could feel this presence in thought, in heart and in spirit.

I wish I could have stayed longer and I would definitely get my birthday hug. But there’s no hurry, we have an eternity ahead of us. Eternity plus the time I’m destined to spend here trying to connect with you from one world to the other, tuned into your frequency, the frequency of love.

But now I’m off to put on the facade of an ordinary woman, interested in work and routine, political talks and instagram gastronomy.

Love

Hope