They say we should not live in the past or future. And then I ask myself if I live with the memory of you, does it mean I live in the past? But then I realise: you are not past, you are eternity.
Love
Hope
Missing
The scent of your embrace
The other day I was looking for a present for your mom on the occasion of her new car…I always get little nice things or sweets for her to cheer up, as if anything can cheer her up at all. Well maybe for an instant at least.
As I approached the car accessory stand in the store IT immediately caught my eye – the car perfume scented J’Adore by Dior.
They say the sense of smell is most closely linked with the memory centres of the brain (if they really know where those are), and everyone must have had these sparks of remembrance due to long-forgotten familiar scents reminding of childhood memories, places, people and most of all feelings.
This scent immediately took me back into your embrace and I could hear you saying again and again how you adore this perfume…on me. It also reminds me of how you loved dropping French words, how you would say Je t’adore now and then. And then memories just queue up one after the other.
My Teacher says that scents are very subtle energies that also attract the dwellers of the subtle worlds and so I hope that this perfume will make your way to your mom even more frequent as she feels your presence just like I do, always and forever embraced by you.
Love
Hope
All you left me with is eternity…
Once I walked away, because I decided that for both of us it would be best if we let our love live eternally, without messing it up through morbid relationship games, ego battles and trivialisation of the beautiful grand state of love.
I always believed loving doesn’t mean having the person necessarily tucked under your arm, anyway.
You weren’t happy about the decision, but I never regretted it…I guess I could never imagine what could be the karmic effect of this choice.
The droll fate didn’t keep me waiting long to see.
Now that you’re gone…forever…all I’m left with is the eternity of grand pure love…without you.
But I’ll find a way to work it out, I promise. I’ll sow new seeds and one day, maybe lives away, there will be one eternity for the two of us.
Love,
Hope.
Getting experimental with Karma.
shrooms
Your minutes of my day
You have your minutes in my every day… Each time the clock shows our time, I let the world stop and take in the magical feel of those 60 seconds.
No matter what I am doing, if I see any combination of our secret numbers glowing on the screen of my phone, I stop speaking, thinking or whatever and open my heart to receive your message echoing in the eternity. Like in a time machine I teleport into one of those minutes in the past. The feeling I used to get when you would message me in these particular minutes reverbs in my whole essence and gives me shivers, as if I still feel the flow of the energy of the words coded into these four numbers.
And it enlightens me suddenly that the energy of love never dies…it isn’t even transformed…it just is… eternal.
Love
Hope
Kissed in bliss
Holidays have become tricky.
With a heavy heart I’m leaving, as I don’t know whether in spirit you would be following me or maybe you’re somehow attached to a place here in the physical…
As if to deepen my concerns, there were no signs from you on the first days of being away, and although I was enjoying the mountainous views, the sound of the waves unfurling onto the grainy shore and the magical sunsets, deep down I was waiting and vigilant.
And then one day I looked up at the sky and knew you were there.
This was also confirmed next morning during my early sun salutation yoga.
As I was stretching myself and meditating in my favourite Surya Namaskar postures with the beautiful views in front of me, a gorgeous grey horse appeared. It drank some water from the lake and then approached me and smooched me right under my heart. This was magical, breathtaking…and ooh, Shiny!
I had never before been kissed by a horse, even though I used to take some horse-riding sessions, and I would stroke them occasionally but they would never get this intimate with me.
I appreciate the energy you put into showing up to me in this world and am looking forward to an eternity of this ethereal presence until I too become it.
Love
Hope
Ramona, when day is done you’ll hear my call
My day always starts with the recording of my nightly adventures in the dream journal. Today I wrote down some of the episodes that I could recall and it hit me that one name from the dream was somehow
unusual and it was specifically stuck in my memory. I can even remember how in the dream I was telling myself not to forget this name.
Ramona was the name of a lady in my dream who was supposed to guide me in some aspects of my job.
A strange name, and I cannot even recall stumbling upon this name anytime in my waking life. As I thought of this I decided that it might be a sign, so I just Googled it to see what would be the first thing I would be drawn to. And I found this lovely song by Jim Reeves:
Somehow the lyrics just resonated with me and perhaps, given that you always gave me messages through songs, this is also a message from you that “when the day is done, I’ll hear your call, and we’ll meet by the waterfall”.
Interestingly, everytime I meditate and try to connect to you, I picture you sitting on a rock beside the water with your back to me. Perhaps that will be our meeting place by the waterfall. I’ll be waiting for the call, I’m always in the waiting mode, tuned into our frequency.
Love
Hope
A message from behind the door
My last couple of dreams were full of signs and messages from you. Although you weren’t there, it was still nice waking up knowing we were connected in a way…it’s all about energy exchange after all.
In the first of the message dreams I got a handwritten note from you, which was an A5 sized lined piece of paper that I found as I opened the door. I knew you were no longer alive in the physical world and so I got happy as I thought you found a way of sending messages from the other side. I can’t recall the text but the essence was very positive…again this was all on an energy level, not words.
Interestingly the following morning, as I woke up and was having breakfast with the kids, the doorbell rang. I went to open, but there wasn’t anyone. I thought someone just mixed up the door and went on having the breakfast. In about half an hour there was another ring at the door. I hurried this time to see if there was anyone, and again – nobody. I opened the door to check if there was any note (crazy, I know), but there was none, and I couldn’t hear anyone walking in the building either. I am convinced that this was you. The main entrance to our buildilng is coded and nobody could have entered just to have fun ringing at people’s doors. And needless to say, none of the neighbours would have done it either. And then it linked perfectly to the dream, where I got the note / the sign from you / after opening the door, so this is all a perfect match.
And then that very night there was another dream.
I was at a military parade where there was a demonstration of new machinery. My friends went to the backstage while I decided to stay where I was and observe the show. I then got a facebook message from you. Again, I was perfectly aware that you were no longer in this world, but I was able to read the messages this time. There was this very tender address, that I so miss, where you call me in your special ways…and then you were telling me that you were alive and that you just had some problems with the laws and had to be hiding. You also sent me a photoshopped picture of you & me and at the side of the picture there was a little boy of about 6 years old and a callout that said “Dad, let me play some more”. You found this was a funny postcard, but my heart was racing like crazy. There was also a link to a song on youtube from Sade…we both loved her songs a lot back then. There were millions of thoughts in my head, as I was trying to understand how it could be that you were alive, as I saw your lifeless and disfigured face during our final goodbye at the funeral (that creepy image of you still haunts me from time to time and causes me terrible heartbreak..) and then I was thinking of the right words to tell you now that I probably had very little time. I chose to write that I missed you terribly and that I was longing for an embrace. I woke up at that point and it all faded away. All those moments of happiness remained behind the dream veil and I was left with the you-less reality.
I gave it some more thought as I was now awake, imagining how if that could have been true, I would find the place where you were hiding and I would have a chance to hug you again and see your smile…oh those daydreams…what would I be doing without them.
I didn’t have any signs from you since then, but I’m sure there will be more coming. Because I just can’t imagine my life without them any more. Keep ringing at my door, dropping stuff at my place, drawing hearts in the clouds and putting on the songs we loved on the radio. Please do!
Love
Hope
Lucid encounter #3
I’m getting better at summoning you into my lucid dream! Tonight, finally!, I was able to get a “real” you, and not a still luminous figure or a holographic copy as I used to before!
I took the HTP-5 supplement, which has proved to be quite helpful for me in inducing lucid dreams combined with the wake-back-to-bed (WBTB) technique. I also used the mnemonic induction technique (MILD) where I did affirmations right before sleep, repeating to myself “this is a dream” right to the moment where I switch off. I also made a plan of actions for once I would be lucid to a) summon you and ask you about the missing painting and b) brush up my piano tribute to you where I’m a bit stuck with the main theme.
At some point in the dream, where I was wandering in some backyards that were familiar but slightly different, I somehow realised that this wasn’t the place where I last remembered myself being conscious and TADA! I was lucid! I checked my hands as I often do for a reality check and I could see my fingers fading, so I was 100% sure I was in a dream.
Interestingly, I could also remember that my last attempt at summoning you through the door technique wasn’t successful and so I almost unconsciously used a different technique, where I said to myself “I will turn around now and you will be there behind a tree”. I turned around and oh my! you were there!!!
I ran up to you and hugged you. I was overwhelmingly happy! At some point I drifted into a less conscious dream, as I don’t remember some details, and I certainly forgot to ask you about the painting 😦 But at some point I remembered about the plan to play the piano and I could again see you at my side sitting on a sofa. On my right side was the piano. I sat at it and attempted to play, but I realised that there was some other noise in the room that was interfering with the piano. There were two blonde girls in the room with us who were supposedly watching the TV. And again I drifted off here and do not remember anything else of what happened next.
In the morning I woke up with a broad smile on my face as I could still feel the warmness of our embrace, like the subtle trail of perfume, an aftertaste of fizzy wine…I am grateful for having been in your company for at least the time of that brief encounter. See you soon!
Love
Hope
Dream control
Dreams as clues
I once painted us…sitting on a bench with trees behind us. Although the embrace was very tender, the trees in the background were telling a different story. The one on his side was in full green, while the tree behind me was all faded yellow. It was autumn in my heart, still warm but with a breath of the inevitable winter. And there was that evergreen tenderness in his eyes…
The painting was long hanging in my room until I got married and moved out. My mom took it off the wall and wasn’t sure what to do with it, so I decided to give it to him. He took it eagerly but I never knew what eventually the fate of the painting was.
I still don’t.
After he was gone I was trying to find it, but it wasn’t at his place, his mom had never seen it and after searching in all possible places it was nowhere to be found.
And then I thought that it might be a good idea to ask him to lead me to the painting in my dreams. Not long after he came into my dream and was in a bathroom, leaning over the tub. I told him I could remember perfectly the phone number of his grandparents’ place where he used to stay quite often and where he would call me from during the long overnight talks. I said the number in the dream and made a mistake in the first two numbers, which he laughed at, but then I corrected myself.
I woke up and immediately let his mom know about the dream, asking her to check out the grandparents’ bathroom. She checked everything, including climbing the ceilings, but it wasn’t there. That would probably be too easy and too fantastic.
But I’m not giving up. I will still be waiting for more clues until I find it. Not that my walls are empty without it, but that would be a very strong sign that you’re still there. I don’t even need the painting, as I have grown very unattached to material things. I have the painting in my heart, and my heart is an overcrowded gallery of memories of you, framed like stills from our life, each starting to play in a loop as a thought of a moment lingers in. Priceless, unforgettable moments…
A tear for a year
Can’t believe a year has been through…
This makes me hopeful that waiting for our reunion is not going to be as dreadfully long as I would imagine.
I was waiting for a special sign on the occasion of the anniversary, and, as always these days, my thoughts manifested themselves into my reality.
I was taking shower losing myself in thoughts, rewinding the memories of the day, the ceremony at your grave, and then back to the day a year ago, when you suddenly appeared in my thoughts so strongly and how it then turned out to be the time of your passing.
As I opened my eyes from these steamy reveries I was dumbfounded by the image that I saw in front of me – the bath curtain bent into folds forming an absolutely accurate outline of your face! There were your small uzbek eyes, the chubby nose, the lips with the mild and comforting smile upon them and even the small scar on your right cheek that I so adore. It was so accurate, that it felt as if you were standing right behind the curtain and it was mimicking the contours of your face pressed against it.
I was afraid to touch it, so that it wouldn’t get distorted and lost and so I stood there talking to you for a while about how I missed you and how I was looking forward to your next visitation in my dream and how I was thankful for always staying around me and reassuring me of your continuous presence.
Suddenly a teardrop appeared right under the spot of your right eye ready to fall. Did I make you sad, or was it tears of happiness, do spirits cry at all? Or maybe you wanted to show me that seeing me so painstruck and restless was making you sad. So I immediately wiped my tears and went into the positive mode, appreciating this wonderful visitation and reiterating my strong intention to find you wherever you are and however long it might take.
Love
Hope
Cover photo: My Bleeding Heart
Artist: Ona Kingdon
Afterlife Love Story 