All you left me with is eternity…

Once I walked away, because I decided that for both of us it would be best if we let our love live eternally, without messing it up through morbid relationship games, ego battles and trivialisation of the beautiful grand state of love.

I always believed loving doesn’t mean having the person necessarily tucked under your arm, anyway.

You weren’t happy about the decision, but I never regretted it…I guess I could never imagine what could be the karmic effect of this choice.

The droll fate didn’t keep me waiting long to see.

Now that you’re gone…forever…all I’m left with is the eternity of grand pure love…without you.

But I’ll find a way to work it out, I promise. I’ll sow new seeds and one day, maybe lives away, there will be one eternity for the two of us.

Love,

Hope.

Getting experimental with Karma.
shrooms

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Your minutes of my day

You have your minutes in my every day… Each time  the clock shows our time,  I let the world stop and take in the magical feel of those 60 seconds.

No matter what I am doing,  if I see any combination of our secret numbers glowing on the screen of my phone,  I stop speaking,  thinking or whatever and open my heart to receive your message echoing in the eternity. Like in a time machine I teleport into one of those minutes in the past. The feeling I used to get when you would message me in these particular minutes reverbs in my whole essence and gives me shivers,  as if I still feel the flow of the energy of the words coded into these four numbers.

And it enlightens me suddenly that the energy of love never dies…it isn’t even transformed…it just is… eternal.

Love

Hope

 
Cacophony
 

Kissed in bliss

Holidays have become tricky.

With a heavy heart I’m leaving, as I don’t know whether in spirit you would be following me or maybe you’re somehow attached to a place here in the physical…

As if to deepen my concerns, there were no signs from you on the first days of being away, and although I was enjoying the mountainous views, the sound of the waves unfurling onto the grainy shore and the magical sunsets, deep down I was waiting and vigilant.

And then one day I looked up at the sky and knew you were there.

hearts

This was also confirmed next morning during my early sun salutation yoga.

As I was stretching myself and meditating in my favourite Surya Namaskar postures with the beautiful views in front of me, a gorgeous grey horse appeared. It drank some water from the lake and then approached me and smooched me right under my  heart. This was magical, breathtaking…and ooh, Shiny!

I had never before been kissed by a horse, even though I used to take some horse-riding sessions, and I would stroke them occasionally but they would never get this intimate with me.

I appreciate the energy you put into showing up to me in this world and am looking forward to an eternity of this ethereal presence until I too become it.

Love

Hope

Trance

A message from behind the door

My last couple of dreams were full of signs and messages from you. Although you weren’t there, it was still nice waking up knowing we were connected in a way…it’s all about energy exchange after all.

In the first of the message dreams I got a handwritten note from you, which was an A5 sized lined piece of paper that I found as I opened the door. I knew you were no longer alive in the physical world and so I got happy as I thought you found a way of sending messages from the other side. I can’t recall the text but the essence was very positive…again this was all on an energy level, not words.

Interestingly the following morning, as I woke up and was having breakfast with the kids, the doorbell rang. I went to open, but there wasn’t anyone. I thought someone just mixed up the door and went on having the breakfast. In about half an hour there was another ring at the door. I hurried this time to see if there was anyone, and again – nobody. I opened the door to check if there was any note (crazy, I know), but there was none, and I couldn’t hear anyone walking in the building either. I am convinced that this was you. The main entrance to our buildilng is coded and nobody could have entered just to have fun ringing at people’s doors. And needless to say, none of the neighbours would have done it either. And then it linked perfectly to the dream, where I got the note / the sign from you / after opening the door, so this is all a perfect match.

And then that very night there was another dream.

I was at a military parade where there was a demonstration of new machinery. My friends went to the backstage while I decided to stay where I was and observe the show. I then got a facebook message from you. Again, I was perfectly aware that you were no longer in this world, but I was able to read the messages this time. There was this very tender address, that I so miss, where you call me in your special ways…and then you were telling me that you were alive and that you just had some problems with the laws and had to be hiding. You also sent me a photoshopped picture of you & me and at the side of the picture there was a little boy of about 6 years old and a callout that said “Dad, let me play some more”. You found this was a funny postcard, but my heart was racing like crazy. There was also a link to a song on youtube from Sade…we both loved her songs a lot back then. There were millions of thoughts in my head, as I was trying to understand how it could be that you were alive, as I saw your lifeless and disfigured face during our final goodbye at the funeral (that creepy image of you still haunts me from time to time and causes me terrible heartbreak..) and then I was thinking of the right words to tell you now that I probably had very little time. I chose to write that I missed you terribly and that I was longing for an embrace. I woke up at that point and it all faded away. All those moments of happiness remained behind the dream veil and I was left with the you-less reality.

I gave it some more thought as I was now awake, imagining how if that could have been true, I would find the place where you were hiding and I would have a chance to hug you again and see your smile…oh those daydreams…what would I be doing without them.

I didn’t have any signs from you since then, but I’m sure there will be more coming. Because I just can’t imagine my life without them any more. Keep ringing at my door, dropping stuff at my place, drawing hearts in the clouds and putting on the songs we loved on the radio. Please do!

Love

Hope

Heritage

Unmoored

Rendezvous for eternity

For some time I have only been getting very subtle signs from you, mostly finding our numbers everywhere I look. It has become so natural though, that I almost started to complain in my thoughts about the vagueness of your interaction. And although I’m trying not to complain about anything these days and be happy and grateful for everything that life brings about, this one has probably made its way into the space and you have picked it up to come and soothe me yet again that you’re there and our thoughts and energies are constantly connected.

As part of my dream experimentation I have started taking a great interest in all related literature, movies and other materials. A recent series came to my attention some time ago and I put it on my to-watch list. Although, again, I’m trying to restrain myself from any TV brainwashing and disturbing information flow these days, special movies still make me revive the otherwise mute black screen.

Here I am, watching the Falling Water series, which is mainly telling about shared dreams, where the protagonists are natural lucid dreamers and they are finding themselves in the same dream with each other to try and solve their real life problems.

One of the protagonists is in love with a dream character who at some point gets into trouble and he is trying to use conscious/lucid dreaming to find and save her. With this storyline unfolding, I was already relating to how I am trying to establish a connection with you through my lucid dreams and how possibly we can help each other through this interaction.

And here comes this episode where the guy finally realises how he can enter the dream to find her, so he rewinds the reality to recover the burnt envelope with the photo clue to the girl’s whereabouts, and when he turns this photo, I am dumbfounded! Of all the possible number combinations in the world there is our number (in reverse, because this is the mirror reflection of the waking reality)!

I take this as another strong sign from you that I am on the right track and the dreamworld and parallel dimensions are the place for us to be…together forever in the infinite eternity.

Love

Hope

   
Exquisite

Ambience

Grieving allowance on a widowed birthday

Sometimes I catch myself thinking that I feel like a widow. I am not, God forbid, but my pain is just as acute. And that leads me back to how everything in our life is conditional, labelled and square.

If I were a widow, I would be understood and my grief would be expected and acceptable, I would have an allowance of about a year to grieve. If I am not, if it’s a soulmate, a friend, you can’t even explain it in the first place, and you can only grieve for a week?, a month?, well and occasionally, for example when it’s their Birthday.

Finally I can grieve openly today. It’s your Birthday.

It’s the only day of the year, when we would usually talk in the last 10 years. Through my birthday messages I always wanted you to know, that you are not alone, I’m with you in my thoughts and you are special to me.

I think, knowing that you are special for someone always makes life more beautiful and worthwhile. At least it has been so for me and I always cherish the thought of those people for whom I am special. Even if there is no physical interaction for some ‘material’ ‘earthly’ reasons, I always send some good vibes towards these people and I know these are felt and important at some level, some frequency, even if transmitted and received unconsciously.

I have always felt your vibes, too, and I so want to thank you for filling my life with so much love and ‘specialness’. Your love has always been imprinted in my consciousness and made me feel irreplaceable, unique and love-worthy.

May the day you were born be blessed!

And here is an urge to everyone to send those good vibes to all the people you love and who are special to you. I would challenge you to let them know you’re thinking about them, even if there are seemingly insurmountable obstacles, separation, fight, hard feelings. One day it might be late. Mind the Gap

And I will go ahead and survive this difficult day when I no longer can send you a birthday message, but can still elicit those loving vibes in anticipation of our next meeting in the dreams.

Love

Hope

Chaotic

Heartful skies

It was one of these mornings when I wake up with a call, an insistent urge to do something. I felt I absolutely needed to go to that park, where we used to walk and which always catches my eye from random spots in the city with its colorful Ferris wheel and the massive monument which seems to mark the highest peek of the city.

And as I always do nowadays, I followed my intuition and drove to this conservation park of our memories. It has a long promenade which leads to an observation spot and there at the end of the path is a stone bench, where you carved ‘I love you, Hope. 1999’ with the souvenir knife that I bought for you in Toledo.

Not every memory I have is as minutely vivid as that of us sitting on this bench and you scribbling hard-to-carve letters one by one to make their way into eternity.

It was a gloomy morning, the skies all gray and I thought, although I’m loving this moody autumnal scenery I am going to miss the hearts in the clouds which I used to get quite often and which will now become a rare spotting because there will be more grays than blues & whites in the sky for the next two seasons.

As I was driving I already noticed a transformation in the sky and when I was walking in the park I could already see the clear blues above my head and tiny cloud knots forming like cotton candy here and there.

A minute later a new monument caught my eye that I had never seen before. I know every inch of the place and I would notice even a new shrub or a stone rearranged, but a monument was a surprise. It was an oriental sculpture of a cross, Persian, I thought, and stopped to give it a closer look as I felt it was there for a reason, as if my mind had erected it for me to find at that very moment in that very place. I knew what exactly I was looking for and my eye caught it immediately. Your name was written in the bottom inscription. It was a one in a million chance for the benefactor’s name to be that and no other. Your name is rare in these places and finding it usually is a sign in itself, but as always your signs are rich and complex just like your deep personality is. I looked up and there it was, my long awaited giant solitaire cloud heart right above the monument.

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You have always been very generous for sharing the beauty of your creative energy and I have been one lucky woman to have been the object of your love. One of the things I am very sorry about is not having thanked you for making my life so beautiful, so amazingly loveful and one of a kind. I would never be able to return you even one hundredth of it, if at all it was possible to measure. ..

And your sky canvas was generously heartful that afternoon as if you were drawing the hearts for me to cherish in advance of the winter dry spell.

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I know you can now feel all my appreciation for your loving spirit’s gifts, but I will still find a way to say “Thank you!” while looking into your deep cosmic eyes. And that time is near!

Love

Hope

Building my
bridge to the afterlife…