They say we should not live in the past or future. And then I ask myself if I live with the memory of you, does it mean I live in the past? But then I realise: you are not past, you are eternity.
The other day I was looking for a present for your mom on the occasion of her new car…I always get little nice things or sweets for her to cheer up, as if anything can cheer her up at all. Well maybe for an instant at least.
As I approached the car accessory stand in the store IT immediately caught my eye – the car perfume scented J’Adore by Dior.
They say the sense of smell is most closely linked with the memory centres of the brain (if they really know where those are), and everyone must have had these sparks of remembrance due to long-forgotten familiar scents reminding of childhood memories, places, people and most of all feelings.
This scent immediately took me back into your embrace and I could hear you saying again and again how you adore this perfume…on me. It also reminds me of how you loved dropping French words, how you would say Je t’adore now and then. And then memories just queue up one after the other.
My Teacher says that scents are very subtle energies that also attract the dwellers of the subtle worlds and so I hope that this perfume will make your way to your mom even more frequent as she feels your presence just like I do, always and forever embraced by you.
I found a Teacher. Or maybe he found me when I was ready. Or maybe you led me to finding him.
You were and are my first teacher. The teacher, that’s indivisible from me, one with me. My mirror showing all my flaws and imperfections, and at the same time infinitely accepting and loving. I didn’t realise it back then, so I turned away and left the mirror covered with a white cloth in an abandoned empty house.
They say the teacher comes when you are ready to let go of your ego, reveal your true essence and learn to love wholeheartedly and sincerely. This brings me back to your last Facebook post, which I’m sure many took as a sentimental goodbye note and already forgot by now. But not me. You just nailed it, when you said “Love more often with divine love.” This was your last lesson and I’m doing my best to learn it and put it into practice. And I can already see the changes in me, in my life and hopefully also soon in the life of others.
Now that you’re not here, you led me to a teacher whom I found in search for the answers. And then, after a series of signs and synchronicities, I became his disciple.
This has been a transformational journey and I still have a long way to go. But I know with each day I’m getting closer to the higher me, us, the oneness.
One realisation that has come to me, that I no longer am attached to you as a separate someone. Songs like “I cannot live without you” don’t ring a bell anymore, because I cannot be without you, simply because you are me and these are not just words, but a deep powerful feeling of oneness and connection, that no longer depends on the physical presence.
I am blessed!
Once I walked away, because I decided that for both of us it would be best if we let our love live eternally, without messing it up through morbid relationship games, ego battles and trivialisation of the beautiful grand state of love.
I always believed loving doesn’t mean having the person necessarily tucked under your arm, anyway.
You weren’t happy about the decision, but I never regretted it…I guess I could never imagine what could be the karmic effect of this choice.
The droll fate didn’t keep me waiting long to see.
Now that you’re gone…forever…all I’m left with is the eternity of grand pure love…without you.
But I’ll find a way to work it out, I promise. I’ll sow new seeds and one day, maybe lives away, there will be one eternity for the two of us.
You have your minutes in my every day… Each time the clock shows our time, I let the world stop and take in the magical feel of those 60 seconds.
No matter what I am doing, if I see any combination of our secret numbers glowing on the screen of my phone, I stop speaking, thinking or whatever and open my heart to receive your message echoing in the eternity. Like in a time machine I teleport into one of those minutes in the past. The feeling I used to get when you would message me in these particular minutes reverbs in my whole essence and gives me shivers, as if I still feel the flow of the energy of the words coded into these four numbers.
And it enlightens me suddenly that the energy of love never dies…it isn’t even transformed…it just is… eternal.
Holidays have become tricky.
With a heavy heart I’m leaving, as I don’t know whether in spirit you would be following me or maybe you’re somehow attached to a place here in the physical…
As if to deepen my concerns, there were no signs from you on the first days of being away, and although I was enjoying the mountainous views, the sound of the waves unfurling onto the grainy shore and the magical sunsets, deep down I was waiting and vigilant.
And then one day I looked up at the sky and knew you were there.
This was also confirmed next morning during my early sun salutation yoga.
As I was stretching myself and meditating in my favourite Surya Namaskar postures with the beautiful views in front of me, a gorgeous grey horse appeared. It drank some water from the lake and then approached me and smooched me right under my heart. This was magical, breathtaking…and ooh, Shiny!
I had never before been kissed by a horse, even though I used to take some horse-riding sessions, and I would stroke them occasionally but they would never get this intimate with me.
I appreciate the energy you put into showing up to me in this world and am looking forward to an eternity of this ethereal presence until I too become it.
My day always starts with the recording of my nightly adventures in the dream journal. Today I wrote down some of the episodes that I could recall and it hit me that one name from the dream was somehow
unusual and it was specifically stuck in my memory. I can even remember how in the dream I was telling myself not to forget this name.
Ramona was the name of a lady in my dream who was supposed to guide me in some aspects of my job.
A strange name, and I cannot even recall stumbling upon this name anytime in my waking life. As I thought of this I decided that it might be a sign, so I just Googled it to see what would be the first thing I would be drawn to. And I found this lovely song by Jim Reeves:
Somehow the lyrics just resonated with me and perhaps, given that you always gave me messages through songs, this is also a message from you that “when the day is done, I’ll hear your call, and we’ll meet by the waterfall”.
Interestingly, everytime I meditate and try to connect to you, I picture you sitting on a rock beside the water with your back to me. Perhaps that will be our meeting place by the waterfall. I’ll be waiting for the call, I’m always in the waiting mode, tuned into our frequency.