A message from behind the door

My last couple of dreams were full of signs and messages from you. Although you weren’t there, it was still nice waking up knowing we were connected in a way…it’s all about energy exchange after all.

In the first of the message dreams I got a handwritten note from you, which was an A5 sized lined piece of paper that I found as I opened the door. I knew you were no longer alive in the physical world and so I got happy as I thought you found a way of sending messages from the other side. I can’t recall the text but the essence was very positive…again this was all on an energy level, not words.

Interestingly the following morning, as I woke up and was having breakfast with the kids, the doorbell rang. I went to open, but there wasn’t anyone. I thought someone just mixed up the door and went on having the breakfast. In about half an hour there was another ring at the door. I hurried this time to see if there was anyone, and again – nobody. I opened the door to check if there was any note (crazy, I know), but there was none, and I couldn’t hear anyone walking in the building either. I am convinced that this was you. The main entrance to our buildilng is coded and nobody could have entered just to have fun ringing at people’s doors. And needless to say, none of the neighbours would have done it either. And then it linked perfectly to the dream, where I got the note / the sign from you / after opening the door, so this is all a perfect match.

And then that very night there was another dream.

I was at a military parade where there was a demonstration of new machinery. My friends went to the backstage while I decided to stay where I was and observe the show. I then got a facebook message from you. Again, I was perfectly aware that you were no longer in this world, but I was able to read the messages this time. There was this very tender address, that I so miss, where you call me in your special ways…and then you were telling me that you were alive and that you just had some problems with the laws and had to be hiding. You also sent me a photoshopped picture of you & me and at the side of the picture there was a little boy of about 6 years old and a callout that said “Dad, let me play some more”. You found this was a funny postcard, but my heart was racing like crazy. There was also a link to a song on youtube from Sade…we both loved her songs a lot back then. There were millions of thoughts in my head, as I was trying to understand how it could be that you were alive, as I saw your lifeless and disfigured face during our final goodbye at the funeral (that creepy image of you still haunts me from time to time and causes me terrible heartbreak..) and then I was thinking of the right words to tell you now that I probably had very little time. I chose to write that I missed you terribly and that I was longing for an embrace. I woke up at that point and it all faded away. All those moments of happiness remained behind the dream veil and I was left with the you-less reality.

I gave it some more thought as I was now awake, imagining how if that could have been true, I would find the place where you were hiding and I would have a chance to hug you again and see your smile…oh those daydreams…what would I be doing without them.

I didn’t have any signs from you since then, but I’m sure there will be more coming. Because I just can’t imagine my life without them any more. Keep ringing at my door, dropping stuff at my place, drawing hearts in the clouds and putting on the songs we loved on the radio. Please do!





Lucid encounter #3

I’m getting better at summoning you into my lucid dream! Tonight, finally!, I was able to get a “real” you, and not a still luminous figure or a holographic copy as I used to before!

I took the HTP-5 supplement, which has proved to be quite helpful for me in inducing lucid dreams combined with the wake-back-to-bed (WBTB) technique. I also used the mnemonic induction technique (MILD) where I did affirmations right before sleep, repeating to myself “this is a dream” right to the moment where I switch off. I also made a plan of actions for once I would be lucid to a) summon you and ask you about the missing painting and b) brush up my piano tribute to you where I’m a bit stuck with the main theme.

At some point in the dream, where I was wandering in some backyards that were familiar but slightly different, I somehow realised that this wasn’t the place where I last remembered myself being conscious and TADA! I was lucid! I checked my hands as I often do for a reality check and I could see my fingers fading, so I was 100% sure I was in a dream.

Interestingly, I could also remember that my last attempt at summoning you through the door technique wasn’t successful and so I almost unconsciously used a different technique, where I said to myself “I will turn around now and you will be there behind a tree”. I turned around and oh my! you were there!!!

I ran up to you and hugged you. I was overwhelmingly happy! At some point I drifted into a less conscious dream, as I don’t remember some details, and I certainly forgot to ask you about the painting ūüė¶ But at some point I remembered about the plan to play the piano and I could again see you at my side sitting on a sofa. On my right side was the piano. I sat at it and attempted to play, but I realised that there was some other noise in the room that was interfering with the piano. There were two blonde girls in the room with us who were supposedly watching the TV. And again I drifted off here and do not remember anything else of what happened next.

In the morning I woke up with a broad smile on my face as I could still feel the warmness of our embrace, like the subtle trail of perfume, an aftertaste of fizzy wine…I am grateful for having been in your company for at least the time of that brief encounter. See you soon!




Dream control

Dreams as clues

I once painted us…sitting on a bench with trees behind us. Although the embrace was very tender, the trees in the background were telling a different story. The one on his side was in full green, while the tree behind me was all faded yellow. It was autumn in my heart, still warm but with a breath of the inevitable winter. And there was that evergreen tenderness in his eyes…

The painting was long hanging in my room until I got married and moved out. My mom took it off the wall and wasn’t sure what to do with it, so I decided to give it to him. He took it eagerly but I never knew what eventually the fate of the painting was.

I still don’t.

After he was gone I was trying to find it, but it wasn’t at his place, his mom had never seen it and after searching in all possible places it was nowhere to be found.

And then I thought that it might be a good idea to ask him to lead me to the painting in my dreams. Not long after he came into my dream and was in a bathroom, leaning over the tub. I told him I could remember perfectly the phone number of his grandparents’ place where he used to stay quite often and where he would call me from during the long overnight talks. I said the number in the dream and made a mistake in the first two numbers, which he laughed at, but then I corrected myself.

I woke up and immediately let his mom know about the dream, asking her to check out the grandparents’ bathroom. She checked everything, including climbing the ceilings, but it wasn’t there. That would probably be too easy and too fantastic.

But I’m not giving up. I will still be waiting for more clues until I find it. Not that my walls are empty without it, but that would be a very strong sign that you’re still there. I don’t even need the painting, as I have grown very unattached to material things. I have the painting in my heart, and my heart is an overcrowded gallery of memories of you, framed like stills from our life, each starting to play in a loop as a thought of a moment lingers in. Priceless, unforgettable moments…




A tear for a year

Can’t believe a year has been through…

This makes me hopeful that waiting for our reunion is not going to be as dreadfully long as I would imagine.

I was waiting for a special sign on the occasion of the anniversary, and, as always these days, my thoughts manifested themselves into my reality.

I was taking shower losing myself in thoughts, rewinding the memories of the day, the ceremony at your grave, and then back to the day a year ago, when you suddenly appeared in my thoughts so strongly and how it then turned out to be the time of your passing.

As I opened my eyes from these steamy reveries I was dumbfounded by the image that I saw in front of me – the bath curtain bent into folds forming an absolutely accurate outline of your face! There were your small uzbek eyes, the chubby nose, the lips with the mild and comforting smile upon them and even the small scar on your right cheek that I so adore. It was so accurate, that it felt as if you were standing right behind the curtain and it was mimicking the contours of your face pressed against it.

I was afraid to touch it, so that it wouldn’t get distorted and lost and so I stood there talking to you for a while about how I missed you and how I was looking forward to your next visitation in my dream and how I was thankful for always staying around me and reassuring me of your continuous presence.

Suddenly a teardrop appeared right under the spot of your right eye ready to fall. Did I make you sad, or was it tears of happiness, do spirits cry at all? Or maybe you wanted to show me that seeing me so painstruck and restless was making you sad. So I immediately wiped my tears and went into the positive mode, appreciating this wonderful visitation and reiterating my strong intention to find you wherever you are and however long it might take.




Cover photo: My Bleeding Heart

Artist: Ona Kingdon


Just another dream that vanished

Isn’t it amazing how in a dream you just switch off a certain part of your memory and live out some crazy scenarios without questioning. You remember the people, their names, some previous activities and relationship history but you forget some other aspects of ‘real’ life.

I tend to forget in my dreams that you’re not alive anymore. Is it because deep down in my mind I do not accept this fact, and by this I mean really NOT accepting, because in the dream you would usually get your hidden fears, desires and thoughts revealed and slapped in your face. So if it were just not fully accepting and running away from ‘reality’, I would probably be forced to accept the naked truth outright in my dream. But I am not.

It took me weeks of pleading for you to finally visit me in a dream again. And it was such a nice getaway from the pain and tears of the last couple of days.

I ran into you during a yoga retreat in some Austrian countryside spot. There were beautiful green hills, quirky pathways and cosy tents. I was surprised to see you there as it wasn’t typical of you to attend such events. But I was delighted to have a chance to spend some time with you. We were riding bicycles and chit-chatting. And the cutest gift of the dream was the warmest hug I gave you which lit you up with happiness.

I woke up with endless warmness in my heart and with a reinforced intention to get back to the active lucid dreaming practice to have a more conscious interaction with you.

Thank you for the visit and for giving me some peace of mind for a while that you’re still there for me and are just a dream away.



Finding Your Place


Birthday birth-death ponderings

It was my birthday the other day. Of course I didn’t celebrate as I just didn’t have enough strength to celebrate life when I was still mourning death. I know you aren’t happy about it and would have encouraged me to celebrate, but I just couldn’t, not this time. I would have to
pretend that I’m having fun, and pretending is the thing I hate most.

I also asked for a present, which I’m still waiting to receive – a new dream, where you would wish me a Happy Birthday and would give me a hug, just like this


Is that too much to ask? No, I’m sure it isn’t and I’ll be waiting as much as needed, even if it’s my next birthday. Because what’s a birthday, a relative value, nothing. It’s one day in lunar calendar, another in the Chinese calendar. And in fact when are we born? When we leave the womb on a scheduled C-section day, or natural birth day or when the conception occurs, or never at all, because we are eternal and never die and are never born…

I guess, there was one more reason why I didn’t celebrate. Once many years ago you asked me what would happen if you were to die in your 33, I said I would die in my 35. That was due to our age difference, as you are two years younger. Words and wishes of this sort have a very strong power. It is my 35 birthday. I’m not afraid. In fact I am amazed that I am still here. Given the relationship that I am now discovering we have and the power of this union I am totally bewildered that by some wondrous chance I wasn’t gone the same day, the same moment as you. I must have some really important stuff to deal with here if I continue to remain.

Well, if so, once again – Lead me, guide me, walk beside me. And don’t forget about my birthday present!



My bi-reality – Visitation No 4

I think I’m becoming bipolar by choice, living on the
fragile border¬†between two worlds, thankfully or maybe regretfully yet being able to discern one from the other. Aura-sensitive people say these days I look transparent. I wonder if this means I’m getting close to changing my frequency one day and disappearing at will like a real alien.

Last night I was analysing your visitations in my dreams and I saw a pattern that alarmed me. It seemed as though you were getting more and more distant. On the very first appearance of yours, when we were on the boat, you were my dear old friend, laughing and sharing stories, in the second you were just smiling from the moon, the third one was a friendly walk but it was mostly me leaning to you, making jokes, and you were serious and calm, somewhat superior and giving me some ‘instructions’ about working on my fears etc. In the very last dream, which I do not consider a visitation, but an invite from me where I summoned you in my lucid dream, you were so remote, so out-of-touch, you didn’t even look at me and it was just me observing your lit-up posture and calling out to you at no avail.

And this made me think of a terrible thing to think, that you are ascending to higher realms and leaving everything, all the memories and earthly experiences behind. Now as a free spirit you see the bigger picture, all your eternal path and on that path I might be just a tiny pixel. You have soul-work of universal importance and all these fears and cravings of mine are but a distraction to you. Until I could stop these thoughts, they already made their naughty way into my unconscious. I calmed it a bit by thinking that you’re my twinflame, there’s no way you could sign me off as unimportant. What came next was probably something that, if vocalised, would sound like a desperate cry while drowning and trying to grasp for air in the midst of a fractured call for He-eee-llppp.

I said “Please, please show me I am wrong, please come to my dream as my dear friend, show me I’m still important to you”. With that strong intention and a plan to wake up in the middle of the night to increase my chances of a lucid dream I went to sleep.

As if by magic, I was woken up by my thirsty daughter at the best time around 3 am. Took my 5-HTP pill which worked in this very combination with a WBTB (wake back to bed) method last time and with my intention engraved in my unconscious went back to bed.

I had something like a semi-lucid dream mixed with a visitation dream.

I was walking, or maybe flying up some stairs and suddenly was up on the roof of a building. In front of me there was another demolished building and at my eye-level there was a room without a facade, all in ruins and there were three friends sitting and having a boisterous talk. He was in the middle. He saw me appear there on this roof and gave a very warm welcome in his usual manner that I could immediately recognise. He said “Look who’s here!!!” and I waved him and blew him two kisses.

I thought “Oh my! This is so real! Might it be that he is not even dead in the physical, maybe he’s just hiding somewhere…”. I knew it was a dream, I just wasn’t controlling it, because it had taken me exactly where I wanted to be.

The next instant he teleported himself right in front of me like a
superhero, giving me the tightest hug one can feel in a dream and a kiss.

I now know you feel the same about me, I always knew it and am very sorry for doubting you…it’s just that the unknown scares me and however hard I try to raise my vibrations and think, or even live on a higher frequency, my fears and human emotions take over sometimes and leave me perplexed.

Be by my side here and now, and always…please.



Together eternally one


The afterlife love story from the beginning