Your minutes of my day

You have your minutes in my every day… Each time  the clock shows our time,  I let the world stop and take in the magical feel of those 60 seconds.

No matter what I am doing,  if I see any combination of our secret numbers glowing on the screen of my phone,  I stop speaking,  thinking or whatever and open my heart to receive your message echoing in the eternity. Like in a time machine I teleport into one of those minutes in the past. The feeling I used to get when you would message me in these particular minutes reverbs in my whole essence and gives me shivers,  as if I still feel the flow of the energy of the words coded into these four numbers.

And it enlightens me suddenly that the energy of love never dies…it isn’t even transformed…it just is… eternal.

Love

Hope

 
Cacophony
 

Catapult to the afterlife

These past couple of days have been full of technological know-hows related in one way or the other to afterlife. I wonder if this is a result of my consciousness creating my reality where I, yet unable to connect substantially to the other side through the tools available to me, that is my own mind, am creating aiding technologies to do the work for me. I don’t think any tool would ever replace the spiritual connection that we all are capable of establishing and which we should actually aim at developing, but still as a temporary aid I wouldn’t mind having these at hand.

First I came across the soul-phone! WoW! Have you heard of this concept for a device which will enable communication with the loved ones who passed on!? It’s promised to come in stages, starting with a simple yes-no button widget, then a keyboard which will be a more advanced analogue of the Ouija board where the ones in spirit would be able to type us messages…and then will come the audio soul-phone and, at the very far end of this concept line is a video communication device. I thought it was a prank, but going deeper into the research and people behind this, I must say I’m not that sceptical now. You can watch this if you’re interested and have a spare hour, it really is an interesting presentation!

Next came the movie I-Origins, which I found on a couple of afterlife movie recommendation lists.  The movie was based on the concept that no single eye pattern repeats in two humans, and that the eyes are the window to the soul, and most importantly, and this is a bit of a spoiler, that when people reincarnate they might be recognised by the eyes. There was a technological solution in the movie which would scan the eyes of all people around the world and would store them in a database. Thanks to this database it was possible to identify a person with a similar eye-pattern and find the reincarnate of the deceased loved one. I enjoyed the movie a lot, as it covered a lot of the philosophies I follow, there was a lot about synchronicity, past life memory and twin-flame connection, which is exactly what I live by in this current stage of my life.

After the movie I indulged in the daydreams of one day being able to possibly find the new incarnation of my soulmate, if he chooses to reincarnate at all. I feel like he hasn’t yet, since I can feel his spiritual presence very strongly. I believe, it would decrease or end altogether with him reincarnating. So in a way I dread it, in another I look forward to it…And then I get lost due to not understanding all the mechanics and implications of these possibilities properly. And due to fear of losing touch with him someday.

And then there came the sign, as always at sacred moments like this, when I feel most connected telepathically to him…As if to reassure me that he was still there, with me. As I switched off the movie on my phone, somehow the YouTube app popped up itself, without me launching it, and there playing was the MOST OUR song of all our songs of all time! The song that he used to put on in his car as he would spend the night under my window…The song that would lull us as we drifted into sleep on the two ends of the phone…The song that he would order for me on the radio back in the days when this was one of the most romantic gifts one could give to their beloved. And I had never opened this video on YouTube before this to think that it just stayed there open and somehow reappeared as I closed other apps. It just appeared…itself…

And as the song goes, I am grateful to him for everything! For all these magical moments that keep me sane and going, for the energy that he puts into being there at my side when I most need it. And for the eternal love!

Love

Hope

Evanescent
Survive

A tear for a year

Can’t believe a year has been through…

This makes me hopeful that waiting for our reunion is not going to be as dreadfully long as I would imagine.

I was waiting for a special sign on the occasion of the anniversary, and, as always these days, my thoughts manifested themselves into my reality.

I was taking shower losing myself in thoughts, rewinding the memories of the day, the ceremony at your grave, and then back to the day a year ago, when you suddenly appeared in my thoughts so strongly and how it then turned out to be the time of your passing.

As I opened my eyes from these steamy reveries I was dumbfounded by the image that I saw in front of me – the bath curtain bent into folds forming an absolutely accurate outline of your face! There were your small uzbek eyes, the chubby nose, the lips with the mild and comforting smile upon them and even the small scar on your right cheek that I so adore. It was so accurate, that it felt as if you were standing right behind the curtain and it was mimicking the contours of your face pressed against it.

I was afraid to touch it, so that it wouldn’t get distorted and lost and so I stood there talking to you for a while about how I missed you and how I was looking forward to your next visitation in my dream and how I was thankful for always staying around me and reassuring me of your continuous presence.

Suddenly a teardrop appeared right under the spot of your right eye ready to fall. Did I make you sad, or was it tears of happiness, do spirits cry at all? Or maybe you wanted to show me that seeing me so painstruck and restless was making you sad. So I immediately wiped my tears and went into the positive mode, appreciating this wonderful visitation and reiterating my strong intention to find you wherever you are and however long it might take.

Love

Hope

 

Cover photo: My Bleeding Heart

Artist: Ona Kingdon

http://www.onak.ca/

To new beginnings!

It’s so hard to let go of this year. Even though this was the year that took you away, it also was the last year when you were still around for a month and 18 days, sharing your smiles, love and wisdom with the world.

But it is a rule of life, everything ends to begin again. And I’m sure there are no exceptions to this rule, and as the new year will come to take the place of the old,  you were only
gone to be born again, and separation is only there to lead to a new encounter.

And I’ll be looking forward to it…

Love,

Hope

Tempted

Just another dream that vanished

Isn’t it amazing how in a dream you just switch off a certain part of your memory and live out some crazy scenarios without questioning. You remember the people, their names, some previous activities and relationship history but you forget some other aspects of ‘real’ life.

I tend to forget in my dreams that you’re not alive anymore. Is it because deep down in my mind I do not accept this fact, and by this I mean really NOT accepting, because in the dream you would usually get your hidden fears, desires and thoughts revealed and slapped in your face. So if it were just not fully accepting and running away from ‘reality’, I would probably be forced to accept the naked truth outright in my dream. But I am not.

It took me weeks of pleading for you to finally visit me in a dream again. And it was such a nice getaway from the pain and tears of the last couple of days.

I ran into you during a yoga retreat in some Austrian countryside spot. There were beautiful green hills, quirky pathways and cosy tents. I was surprised to see you there as it wasn’t typical of you to attend such events. But I was delighted to have a chance to spend some time with you. We were riding bicycles and chit-chatting. And the cutest gift of the dream was the warmest hug I gave you which lit you up with happiness.

I woke up with endless warmness in my heart and with a reinforced intention to get back to the active lucid dreaming practice to have a more conscious interaction with you.

Thank you for the visit and for giving me some peace of mind for a while that you’re still there for me and are just a dream away.

Love

Hope

Finding Your Place

Conundrum

Grieving allowance on a widowed birthday

Sometimes I catch myself thinking that I feel like a widow. I am not, God forbid, but my pain is just as acute. And that leads me back to how everything in our life is conditional, labelled and square.

If I were a widow, I would be understood and my grief would be expected and acceptable, I would have an allowance of about a year to grieve. If I am not, if it’s a soulmate, a friend, you can’t even explain it in the first place, and you can only grieve for a week?, a month?, well and occasionally, for example when it’s their Birthday.

Finally I can grieve openly today. It’s your Birthday.

It’s the only day of the year, when we would usually talk in the last 10 years. Through my birthday messages I always wanted you to know, that you are not alone, I’m with you in my thoughts and you are special to me.

I think, knowing that you are special for someone always makes life more beautiful and worthwhile. At least it has been so for me and I always cherish the thought of those people for whom I am special. Even if there is no physical interaction for some ‘material’ ‘earthly’ reasons, I always send some good vibes towards these people and I know these are felt and important at some level, some frequency, even if transmitted and received unconsciously.

I have always felt your vibes, too, and I so want to thank you for filling my life with so much love and ‘specialness’. Your love has always been imprinted in my consciousness and made me feel irreplaceable, unique and love-worthy.

May the day you were born be blessed!

And here is an urge to everyone to send those good vibes to all the people you love and who are special to you. I would challenge you to let them know you’re thinking about them, even if there are seemingly insurmountable obstacles, separation, fight, hard feelings. One day it might be late. Mind the Gap

And I will go ahead and survive this difficult day when I no longer can send you a birthday message, but can still elicit those loving vibes in anticipation of our next meeting in the dreams.

Love

Hope

Chaotic

Heartful skies

It was one of these mornings when I wake up with a call, an insistent urge to do something. I felt I absolutely needed to go to that park, where we used to walk and which always catches my eye from random spots in the city with its colorful Ferris wheel and the massive monument which seems to mark the highest peek of the city.

And as I always do nowadays, I followed my intuition and drove to this conservation park of our memories. It has a long promenade which leads to an observation spot and there at the end of the path is a stone bench, where you carved ‘I love you, Hope. 1999’ with the souvenir knife that I bought for you in Toledo.

Not every memory I have is as minutely vivid as that of us sitting on this bench and you scribbling hard-to-carve letters one by one to make their way into eternity.

It was a gloomy morning, the skies all gray and I thought, although I’m loving this moody autumnal scenery I am going to miss the hearts in the clouds which I used to get quite often and which will now become a rare spotting because there will be more grays than blues & whites in the sky for the next two seasons.

As I was driving I already noticed a transformation in the sky and when I was walking in the park I could already see the clear blues above my head and tiny cloud knots forming like cotton candy here and there.

A minute later a new monument caught my eye that I had never seen before. I know every inch of the place and I would notice even a new shrub or a stone rearranged, but a monument was a surprise. It was an oriental sculpture of a cross, Persian, I thought, and stopped to give it a closer look as I felt it was there for a reason, as if my mind had erected it for me to find at that very moment in that very place. I knew what exactly I was looking for and my eye caught it immediately. Your name was written in the bottom inscription. It was a one in a million chance for the benefactor’s name to be that and no other. Your name is rare in these places and finding it usually is a sign in itself, but as always your signs are rich and complex just like your deep personality is. I looked up and there it was, my long awaited giant solitaire cloud heart right above the monument.

You have always been very generous for sharing the beauty of your creative energy and I have been one lucky woman to have been the object of your love. One of the things I am very sorry about is not having thanked you for making my life so beautiful, so amazingly loveful and one of a kind. I would never be able to return you even one hundredth of it, if at all it was possible to measure. ..

And your sky canvas was generously heartful that afternoon as if you were drawing the hearts for me to cherish in advance of the winter dry spell.

I know you can now feel all my appreciation for your loving spirit’s gifts, but I will still find a way to say “Thank you!” while looking into your deep cosmic eyes. And that time is near!

Love

Hope

Building my
bridge to the afterlife…

Knock-knock, are you there? [Lucid dream No.2]

This time it was my flagship dream-induced lucid dream (DILD) where I start flying and realise it’s a dream. I used to have these dreams for as long as I remember myself, much more frequently in the past, none in the last 10 years and with all the practice nowadays I am starting to recover.

I was on the beach with a friend of mine, got into the sea with my jeans on, stepped in too deep at some point and got my trousers all wet. Ran out of the water and this vast sandy beach was so inviting, as a runway for a plane, and I ran forward to take off flying. As soon as I did, I realised that I was dreaming. I landed immediately and started to look for you in an urgent rush.

It’s so interesting the way our subconscious works…it stores everything, our intentions, our memories of the past and future, of the eternity, all our choices, all our fears and desires. I believe, it stores the entire consciousness.

In a lucid dream we are able to access all of that, interact with this existential source, extract valuable data and even programme ourselves. Of course our mind is unable to interpret all of the data and so it translates it into symbols, shapes, sounds, colours, places and even people.

Lucid dreams are amazing, I think there is such a huge potential hidden therein that could be transformational for humanity. Perhaps this is the key to unlocking the door to the 95% of the spare potential of our brains that we are currently not able to utilise.

Doors…this is an effective technique for lucid dream control. When you want to change the dreamscape or want something to appear, the easiest way is to look for a door and have the intention of finding what you want behind that door.

I used this technique to find you, but I probably had a weak intention or maybe there was some disbelief and you weren’t there, not behind the first, nor the second and all the following doors…

I was very sad but in a dream you have to act quickly, otherwise you will lose control. So I decided I would fly again and I flew to the moon. An amazing flight it was, I sped up at some point and next thing I could see when I turned around was the blue and white of the Earth from space.

I didn’t get to the moon, though, because at some point I started thinking, and thinking/reasoning is not so good in a dream. I thought whether the space really is how we know it or maybe it’s an illusion, a lie and suddenly everything around me turned into light blue and white cardboard, torn and folded here and there…

I ruined the dream or maybe it was the manifestation of my new reality without you…all torn and lifeless…

Where are you? When will I find you again in my dream? Perhaps I should look in the places where you appeared in the past dreams. Or maybe I just have to place a stronger intention. I know it’s a matter of time and I will find the right door,
trust me. I will open it and you will be waiting there ready to take me into your arms and to tell me again “Look who’s there!”.

Love

Hope

Underground

What I don’t miss

They ask me everyday don’t I miss meat, sweets, cakes and the white loaf of bread which I quit eating the day you were gone, cause my body just wouldn’t take them.

No, I don’t!

They ask me don’t I miss going out and partying, shopping for fancy outfits that I was so good at mix&matching, going to movies.

No, I don’t!

Don’t I miss my old self. No, I don’t, because the new I has nothing to do with all these things. My new self doesn’t understand how one can spend energy and thoughts on food, clothing, basic, temporary and material  low-vibrational things when all this energy could be directed to the exploration and appreciation of life, space, the purpose of life, happiness in its existential form.

I only miss you…sometimes, only sometimes, when my old self tries to reoccupy its positions in my mind & body I miss your physical presence. Other times I don’t even miss you, because you’re always with me, part of my new self.

As in ditto to my thoughts, there’s a song now playing, called “Soulmate” which sings:

I know that for always
We’re woven with a single lace,
Two stars in a constellation
An infinite connection…

(translation of the excerpt of the song in my native language)

Love

Hope

Daring breakthrough in search of the outer layers of existence.

Nostalgia

Embraced by your presence on the frequency of love [Successful Out of Body Experience]

Tonight I registered some progress! It wasn’t groundbreaking but still it was a breakthrough that left further cracks and craters in my late ‘reality’ and self consciousness which was significantly shattered after your passing and my brief but profound and mind-altering experiences with lucid dreaming and astral projection/phasing/OOBE.

Tonight again I made up my mind to try to enter a wake-induced lucid dream (WILD) through wake-back-to-bed and FILD techniques (sorry for the extensive terminology). I woke up to my alarm, took the 5 HTP neurotransmitter pill which has proved to be successful twice already in this scenario, put on my headphones to listen to some binaural music which I also find quite helpful and set my intentions for the dream.

I’m still analysing what happened next, because it was different both from a lucid dream and from the first projection experience I had some time ago. But it was mind-blowing!

In about 20-30 minutes I realised my body was asleep and my consciousness was free. I thought I would be entering the dream, like I often do, from the very beginning into some dreamscape, but I was still in my room and in the same reality as I continued to perceive it, but without a body.  No indicators of a dream at all, just trance-like state. I have had a number of lucid dreams to know the difference. And with all these altered states knowing is usually the only truth and evidence.

At this point I restarted the FILD (finger technique which involves slightly tapping the index and middle fingers to keep consciousness awake while the body sets off to sleep). I felt an electric current in my fingers. I levitated upwards from my bed and was thinking of the next steps, because I could obviously feel this wasn’t a dream and therefore my dream plans were irrelevant. I also got extremely excited just like the first time and felt that I was being sucked back  into my body. Just then I realised I was feeling your presence around me. I didn’t “see” you but I knew you were there. I could feel this presence in thought, in heart and in spirit.

I wish I could have stayed longer and I would definitely get my birthday hug. But there’s no hurry, we have an eternity ahead of us. Eternity plus the time I’m destined to spend here trying to connect with you from one world to the other, tuned into your frequency, the frequency of love.

But now I’m off to put on the facade of an ordinary woman, interested in work and routine, political talks and instagram gastronomy.

Love

Hope